I joined AIPT to write hard-hitting, impactful journalism. I want to make a difference in the world of comics — a real change. That is why I am going to rate the swole lads of X-Men based on how nice I think they are. Using my very scientific, sophisticated system, I will finally reveal the answers some writers are afraid to confront.
“Now, wait one second,” you might say, “aren’t most of the X-Men lads swole?” Well, yes, dear reader. Given the business they dabble in, many X-Men do, indeed, have abs. But I’m here to talk about the swollest of the swole; the beefiest of the beefy; the absolute units of the team. Besides, one must remember that “swole” does not necessarily mean having abs — it just means being big. Swole comes in many forms. Swole is a way of life.
Now I hear you ask, “Ok, I’ll humor your buffoonery for one second. But how do you rank how nice someone is?” To that I proclaim, it’s all about the vibes, man. Someone could insult me to my face, but if the vibes are right, they could still be doing it nicely. If Wolverine (Laura Kinney, of course), told me I sucked, I’d thank her. (She’s probably right.) Anyway, I digress. In this case, I will be rating niceness on a scale of zero to 10 — zero being a horrible lad, and 10 being the nicest lad alive. There’s a very complicated algorithm involved that includes lots of numbers and equations and…fractions and stuff. But only I get it. You’ve just got to trust me on this.
(Editor’s Note: We totally trust Ally on this.)
There is no doubt in my mind that Colossus is a perfectly nice and polite gentleman at the surface. But once you start delving deeper? Questionable. I have my own concerns about this metal lad– in my personal opinion, he is not the Rasputin deserving of Kitty Pryde’s heart. That mantle belongs to Illyana, thank you very much. I’ll give him points for trying, and on the basis that the lad is undeniably swole. I also concede that maybe my undying love for Magik is clouding my judgment. 5/10
A controversial lad if there ever was one, Apocalypse has recently allied himself with the X-Men on the island of Krakoa. As a human, Apocalypse would absolutely hate me and I respect him for that decision. This guy is only nice to fellow mutants, and even they are on mighty thin ice. I’m going to have to deduct points for his past no-nos against mutants and mankind alike. However, in the spirit of Krakoa, I want to give him a chance. Apocalypse is a swole lad with big plans. 6/10
Bishop is at an advantage here because I’ve had a crush on him ever since the X-Men animated series. Bishop is straight to the point and is nice when he has the time. He’s loyal to mutant-kind and quite frankly a swole icon. Points deducted for trying to kill the mutant baby messiah, I guess. 9.5/10
I’d trust Warpath with my life, no question. Jimmy is nice to the people that deserve his affection. If me, or you, aren’t one of those people, that’s not his problem. This lad is swole in mind, heart, and body. 10/10
Based on the past 20 years of this character’s history, I’m going to have to rank this lad low. Beast has become the sort of guy who kills the mood of every room he walks into. Man cannot survive on swoleness alone. 2/10
Strong Guy has a bit of a turbulent past in terms of his niceness. For one thing, he got his soul taken from him (it’s back now, don’t worry). Regardless, Guido can, quite frankly, be a bit of an ass. Be that as it may, he tries. If Wolfsbane can forgive this lad for killing her son in cold blood, maybe it’s our turn to give him a chance. Extra points for declaring his swoleness in the name. 6.5/10
I can’t hide my bias here. I love Shatterstar. When I think of nice, swole X-Men lads, I think of Star. Much like me, he is a disaster bisexual that would do anything for Rictor. He’s a sweetheart who likes a good flirt and will defend anyone he loves to the death. What is not to love? You bet this guy is nice. And look at those arms! SWOLE. Fantastic. 10/10
And there we have it folks, a well-thought-out, but by no means complete, ranking of the swole lads of X-Men, based on how nice I think they are. Of course, everyone knows that the best X-Men are women, and therefore my mission is by no means complete. If my genius is received well by the world, then I will bravely return with this even more important task. If not, I will leave the mathematical investigations to our science team.
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