Feature

The Gentleman Nerd’s Guide to Superbowl 50

February 5, 2016

As occasional readers of AiPT! during some of our most intense bowel movements, we’re amazed by how little sports coverage there is on this site. It’s especially surprising to me since AIPT! is a website targeted at comics readers, and nothing says “star high school quarterback” or “athletic power forward” like a middle-aged man who can recite the words to Watchmen backwards. To illustrate my point better, compare the two photos below:

Can you see any difference? Because I sure as hell can’t …

It’s with that in mind that we here at Man vs. Rock are trying to correct this deficiency, and so we proudly present AIPT’s first in-depth analysis of Superbowl 50 – played by a Broncos team led by a youthful gunslinger most viewers probably have never heard of, and a Panthers team that was lucky to squeeze by the Arizona Cardinals, 49-25, in the NFC Championship game.

The first thing you’ll notice about these two teams are their quarterbacks–the walking infomercial otherwise known as Peyton Manning; and Cam Newton–a man who learned how to play football by watching Straight Outta Compton eighty consecutive times.

Both quarterbacks have a ton on the line in Superbowl 50. Cam Newton is trying to become the first African-American quarterback to win the Superbowl after Tom Brady, while Peyton Manning is attempting to become the first quarterback caught using HGH to win the title. Truly a historic matchup! One thing is for sure–this is going to be a classic that tons of comic fans won’t soon forget … because they probably won’t watch the game in the first place if a re-run of Firefly is on.

Another subplot in Superbowl 50 is the fans. Just like Comic Con, where writers and artists need that extra push from fans to get through 25 grueling minutes sitting on a panel or signing autographs, the fans can make all the difference in a football game, by giving their team the energy it needs to win the game and earn more money which they’ll ultimately waste investing in things like a miracle water that pretends to cure concussions. So logic dictates that whoever has the better fans has the greater chance of winning the big game. Let’s compare:

Above, you have possible meth-addict Broncos fan. She likely got her ticket to the game in-between scalping food stamps and chugging Fireball with teenagers in the back of Walgreen’s. Meth-addict Broncos fan is a strong fan to be reckoned with. But she’s nothing compared to dabbin’ Granny Panthers fan below:

Influenced by the juvenile, unprofessional antics of her millennial leader, Cam Newton, Granny Panthers fan won’t let little things like law, civility, or a hip replacement get in the way of victory. Granny Panther is an unstoppable force, and that’s why we pick the Carolina Panthers to win Superbowl 50 in a tight game, by the score of 43-8. Call your bookie now and bet your car, your house, and your firstborn daughter.

Now that AIPT! has posted it’s one obligatory sports story of the year, back to comics …

Three Things We All Can Agree On:

1. In the most uplifting story of the new year, Marvel CEO Ike Perlmutter donated $1,000,000 to #MakeAmericaGreatAgain last week. Even though Perlmutter gets credit for the donation, you have to assume that every Marvel writer, editor, and artist was totally on board with it, and so they too should be fully credited for donating to Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign. In fact, my sources tell me that Joe Quesada is already starting an office pool to raise enough money to match Perlmutter’s donation. Really inspiring stuff by the most tolerant and diverse comics company out there.

2. In a move that’s sure to excite retailers, DC recently announced another company-wide reboot of its lineup, cleverly titled “Rebirth.” Great financial move by DC to ensure they won’t have any profit to pay taxes on this year. DC 1, IRS 0.

3. Bill Sienkiewicz made some headlines this week for holding a live event where he would paint Bernie Sanders. Things took a negative turn, however, when Sanders showed up to the event completely nude, hoping to score a free boudoir calendar for his wife’s 50th anniversary gift.

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