Legends’ House returns to give us the conclusion to last week’s thrilling cliffhanger of Roddy Piper’s team’s limo being pulled over by a police officer. And we never really find out why they were pulled over in the first place.
Instead, we learn that in the world of professional wrestling, there’s limousine riding etiquette that you just don’t mess with. In the grand pecking order of things, when you’re riding in a limousine with other wrestlers, the more of a legend you are dictates where you sit. According to Roddy Piper, Howard Finkel was sitting in the spot that he should’ve been in: next to the window. This was important you see, as Piper pointed out that Howard did nothing when the police officer approached the vehicle, despite the fact that Howard wasn’t driving the damn limo! The limousine driver was, as is the case with most limos.
We later learn that it was Tony Atlas’ idea for Howard to sit there, so that he could be as far away from Piper. Which makes sense given their past conflict, except that Tony was sitting next to Piper, who was sitting next to Duggan, the entire trip! What the f*ck? Either way, Tony got back at both Piper and Duggan, because even though they didn’t kiss Tony’s “mahf*ckin’ ass” as he suggested Piper do last week, they sure as hell smelled it the whole ride to Vegas.
Once they arrive at the Palms Hotel, which is the nicest place Howard’s ever stayed at in Vegas (which should tell you about how much a part-time WWE announcer pulls in), the legends make their way to a theater to await instructions. There’s no Ashley to give them their next assignment, instead we get not-quite-as-sexy, Older Ashley, the manager for the Chippendales show. And the first order of business is for them to be manscaped. None of them knows what this means because they’re old, but hey it was good for a laugh in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, so it should be just as funny almost ten years later.
In case you’re still not sure what the angle is for Legends’ House, it’s to humiliate these guys every chance they get because, why not? With all the recent internet rumors of a season two possibly including Hulk Hogan or Ric Flair, I wonder if they’re also going to let themselves be embarrassed. Well, more so than they’ve embarrassed themselves already.
Hillbilly is the first one to get his chest waxed, and this dude is a goddamn Sasquatch. He’s seriously on some George the Animal Steele levels of hairiness. But after every waxed strip that was ripped from his chest, Hillbilly never made a damn peep. He played it cool the entire time. Unlike Piper, who also decides he needs a wax, which is weird considering he’s practically hairless. Every rip sent Piper off on a Steve Carell outburst. I don’t know why these guys didn’t just go back to the hotel and shave themselves like they used to before their matches. These guys used to do this shit for a living!
We then get treated to every damn legend getting spray-tanned. And all comical cues hit right on their marks. Mean Gene makes a pervy comment towards the spray tan lady, referring to her “money pose.” Howard Finkel’s humongous gut gets made fun of. And of course, the obligatory gay reference is made when Pat Patterson is asked to bend over during his session, in case we had forgotten from the previous episodes that Pat is gay. And Tony Atlas gets a tan, because even though he’s black, that’s the kind of thing Tony Atlas does.
Back at the Chippendales camp, the legends get some lessons in stripping 101. First up, ripping off your shirt. I thought Hulk Hogan was going to make a cameo and show everyone how to do it right. Instead, we get Jimmy Hart, the weakest link of the group, struggling to rip his entire shirt in half. Seriously Jimmy? You’ve spent 20 years at Hogan’s side and you don’t know how to rip off your damn shirt? They then learn their routine which has a construction worker theme, and involves them carrying around orange traffic cones, and marching back and forth across the stage. You know, the kind of things women fantasize about.
After practice is when things really heat up. Like something out of some dance club, Tony Atlas bumps into Duggan backstage and barely causes him to spill his drink. Duggan causes a fuss, Tony says to stop fussin’, and more words are passive aggressively exchanged. The complete opposite of how you would expect two former pro wrestlers to react. Instead, Duggan takes it out on the camera during his talking head scene. And he lets loose. What could only be attributed to someone spiking his drink with cocaine, an enraged Duggan goes off about fighting Tony and smacks his glass off the table. All because Tony slightly bumped into him. Man, if Duggan had cut promos like this back in the day, he could’ve easily gotten an Intercontinental Title run. On the other end of things, Tony admits that he and Duggan don’t like each other, and that this dislike dates back to 20 years ago. Which still does very little to put all this into any kind of context.
Finally the show starts, but not before some pre-show shots of the out of shape legends prepping themselves. When they finally do come out, they’re actually cheered on by the ladies in the audience. This could only mean that one, these ladies were told beforehand to cheer, or two, when there are cameras around people really do go out of their way to get noticed. Luckily, Jimmy Hart is able to get his tank top completely off during the big shirt-ripping number. During the Risky Business routine, the legends go out into the audience and dance for the ladies some more. The crowd goes wild. Backstage, it’s easy to tell that these guys still get off on the cheers. Guess you can’t blame them.
Back at the legends’ house, Duggan tries to avoid Tony Atlas. Even though he’s pretty adamant about not being afraid of him, he’s still going to keep his distance. Watching from afar, from behind a doorway, like some creepy stalker. I don’t think I ever feared for Tony’s life more than I ever did in that moment. Roddy Piper plays mediator, but only for Tony, because… who knows why? It’s not like Tony went off on a coke-fueled rage and smacked a glass off the table. And this is considering that Piper pissed off Tony last week. Piper questionably lets the tears flow, and consoles Tony through a lot of arm and hand rubbing, while suggesting that Tony’s grumpy because he hasn’t had much sleep. Surprisingly, Tony agrees and is off to bed after eating his dinner despite it still being light out.
Seriously, what the f*ck? In the four episodes I’ve watched, I’ve deduced that Tony’s worst trait as a human being is that he talks too much. And most of what comes out of his mouth isn’t really offensive. It’s either nonsensical or boring. That’s it. I don’t know if there’s footage that ended up on the cutting room floor that showed him being a complete and utter dick to Hacksaw Jim Duggan. But according to Duggan, he’s tired of putting up with Tony’s bullshit. Other than the fact that Tony hot-boxed the limo by busting ass the entire trip, I don’t see any reason why Duggan would be this pissed off at Tony Atlas. If this doesn’t eventually lead to at least one physical altercation between them, then everything I know and have learned from watching pro wrestling and reality TV has all been a lie. Unless this all leads to a big payoff match at SummerSlam 2014. God, I hope not.
Legendary Lessons Learned:
- Mean Gene sandpapers his balls.
- Tony Atlas really likes to fart.
- Hacksaw Jim Duggan easily out-brothers Hulk Hogan.
- Roddy Piper’s favorite outfit consists of his blue WWE All-Stars t-shirt and leather jacket.
- Big muscles don’t mean shit!
- Doing a Chippendales routine was a thrill come true for Duggan.
- Tony has problems with everybody.
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