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#OscarsSoCaucasian: Finally, a White Man’s Take on the Oscars


#OscarsSoCaucasian: Finally, a White Man’s Take on the Oscars

Like most millennials, I’ve been through a lot of horrible, unspeakable things – wars started for seemingly no reason, ten seasons of The Mentalist, and, most recently, Carson Palmer in the playoffs. Add in two awful Steve Jobs movies for good measure, and for most people, this would be enough misery to last ten lifetimes. Little did I know, however, that the worst was yet to come.


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Last week, as I was perusing CNN in-between my Twitter beefs with Wiz Khalifa and Kanye, I stumbled upon the announcement of the Oscar nominations. For the 12 scientologists and communications majors that watch the Oscars, this is the best day of the year—the day when they, like the sports fans they detest, can cheer for the triumph of a person they will never meet, and take joy in the increased income that actor or actress will one day throw away on cocaine and exotic pet lemurs.

However, when I first read the nominees, something appeared … off. I glanced again quickly and still felt this strange, disturbing feeling. Mortified, I read the nominees one more time, getting more and more anxious as I scrolled down the list. And then it dawned on me …

The Academy didn’t nominate American Sniper … AGAIN!

Now, when American Sniper was robbed last year, I held my tongue, figuring it was simply hazing by the Academy, sort of like when my high school football coach locked me in that closet for a week, or when the Academy gave Crash best picture. Indeed, the Oscars are famous for negging up-and-comers so that they’ll come crawling back when the Oscars finally calls their digits come awards season. After all, it took Martin Scorcese five tries before he finally won, and I don’t think he even made a movie that year. So, even though it didn’t win last year, I fully expected Sniper would be back to get its long-overdue coronation. Alas, I was wrong …


Horrified by this glaring omission in an otherwise perfect Oscars ballot, I was determined to spread awareness by any means possible. So I did what all famous astrophysicists and crooked politicians do–I took to social media, where I rallied Sniper fans behind a simple hashtag:


My patriotic message went viral in no time. Within hours, millions of people started using #OscarsSoWhite to protest the Academy’s snub of Amercian Sniper. Will Smith, Chris Rock, and Bun B even expressed support for my cause!

With this simple tweet, I proved that, despite all our differences, people CAN come together for a good cause (unless it involves taxes, abortion, the death penalty, immigration, education, social security, or anything really). And God as my witness, American Sniper will one day finally win the Oscars it deserves. Until that day, a Bald Eagle named Bradley Cooper will shed a tear, and no true film-lover will take the Oscars seriously.

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