“This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper.” – Harry Potter and the Three Penised Pervert
Welcome to the THURSDAY THUNDERDOME, the newest, edgiest, and least-trusted source in all of comics. If you’re not prepared for the most extreme hot takes this side of the Spice Channel, then exit your browser and throw your laptop in the fireplace immediately. Go ahead, I’ll wait …
Still with me? Good. Then you’re ready to learn the truth behind the seedy underbelly of comics, and its shameful role in all American tragedies like the JFK assassination, 9/11 and Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. We’ll start with something near and dear to my heart …
I. The Wussification of Comics Continues
Back in the day, new comic Wednesdays meant something. It was a time when we could all relax, huff our favorite bag of glue and read Batman’s origin for the 8,000th time, or at least have a chuckle at how much Garfield loves lasagna (he really does prefer lasagna over other dishes!). Most importantly, it was a time when we had REAL role models in comics:
Now, I’m ashamed to say, PC politics have ruined these once great, multi-layered heroes and replaced them with unsophisticated characters that just want to talk about meaningless things like feelings, the eradication of civil liberties and real-life genocides that are happening as we speak in many parts of this world. What happened to a simpler time, when Rorschach would drown a little person in a toilet, and we’d all have a big laugh? Or when Popeye would take out his anabolic steroid rage on unsuspecting anti-tobacco protesters? Or when Marvel would peddle dumb, repetitive event after event of heroes fighting each other (oh wait, that one still exists)?
The comics industry needs to adapt to an ever-changing marketplace, or else it will risk missing the economic boom that print publications will surely receive once this whole internet fad goes away. By focusing on simple, out-of-touch issues like immigration, gay rights and western imperialism, today’s comics risk going the way of Hawkman or another extinct bird–the dinosaur.
II. Ask Buck Stone!
In the segment Ask Buck Stone!, regular unemployed readers like yourself can ask me any stupid question from the comfort of your stepdad’s basement. Our very first question is from Alex Thomas at Pipedream Comics.
“President Trump recently said there may not be a State of the Union speech this year. If you had to give the State of the Union in Trump’s place, what would you say?” – Alex Thomas, New Brexit, England.
Glad you asked, Alex. I was so interested in your question that I hitchhiked on a pack of wild Scientologists to Washington, D.C., to give the stupid speech myself. Here it is in all its animated glory.
So there you have it. Want to “Make America Great Again?” It starts with an old fashioned.
If you want to ask Buck Stone a question, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org and he’ll answer it!
III. The Falcons Will CRUSH the Patriots on Sunday
As I noted last year, AiPT! is contractually obligated to put out one sports story a year to look ironically cool to comic hipsters everywhere. As the only person on AiPT!’s staff who follows sports other than Quidditch and D&D erotica league, I am uniquely qualified to provide an expert opinion about this year’s big game.
Last year, my analysis of the Super Bowl was spot-on, except for the part where I said that the Broncos would lose the game. This year’s matchup features a lovable squad that’s probably just happy to be there–the New England Patriots–and an unstoppable juggernaut that’s hell-bent on revenge for past injustices–that’s right, the unbeatable 11-5 Atlanta Falcons.
Vegas favors the Patriots to win this game by 3, but that’s preposterous if you ask me, and here’s why: Everyone knows that the Patriots have to cheat to win, but everyone also knows that you can only cheat so many times before you get caught. And guess what, folks, I think it’s common knowledge that the Patriots have already used up all of their cheating mojo this year to rig a certain, little-known presidential election:
In a way, the 2016 election was the Patriots’ Super Bowl, and we all know how that went. Given that yuuuge victory, I just don’t think the Patriots have enough cheating juice left in the tank to carry them to a W against the dirty birds.
On the other hand, the Falcons are playing for more than just a title–unlike the Patriots, they’re playing to correct severe injustices imposed upon them by a rogue commissioner that went mad with power.
As some casual fans might remember, in 2006, Commissioner Roger Goodell arbitrarily suspended and imprisoned Falcons QB Michael Vick, simply for electrocuting and torturing innocent dogs while running an illegal dogfighting ring across state lines. Even though none of the Falcons’ players were teammates of Vick (or even know Vick), don’t think for a minute that they have forgotten the suspension, which will forever be remembered as the lone blight on Roger Goodell’s otherwise spotless record as NFL Commissioner. You can take it to the bank: the Falcons will rally and finally win one for Vick.
Giants Falcons 17, Patriots 14
IV. 3 Things We All Can Agree On
1. Ben Affleck recently announced that he will step down from directing the new Batman movie. My Hollywood sources tell me that Affleck decided to focus on his new superhero film, Martha v. Martha: the Quest for a Decent Plot.
2. Last weekend, approximately 8,000 New Yorkers flooded John F. Kennedy International Airport to protest President Trump’s recent executive order banning entry of nationals from predominantly Muslim countries. A lot of people, sure, but not so impressive when you think about it. After all, at least 160,000 people flock to San Diego Comic Con every year to protest proper hygiene.
3. Ask the cast of Lord of the Rings one question about the Hobbit and this is how they react …
V. Comic Fan of the Week
Hell yeah it should have been nominated for an Oscar!
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