This year’s Royal Rumble was met with much applause. We cheered as Bianca Belair had a breakout performance, Drew McIntyre became heir apparent to the WWE Championship, and Edge made a shocking return to the ring. The festivities have prompted innumerable critics and pundits to crowd your news feeds and timelines to express their thoughts on the proceedings – but has anyone thought to ask my friend, Masse?
No, no one has asked my friend Masse.
Why? Because Masse has never watched wrestling and has previously preferred to watch Sing – a CGI movie about singing animals – over watching wrestling, among other very questionable viewing decisions. Masse refers to Stone Cold Steve Austin as “Steve Cold Stone with all the beer.” He also has grotesque fashion sensibilities that lead to him combining a hideous floral patterned baseball cap with a faded, venous red, sweater vest. He often resorts to a rather curious vocal tic that sees him screeching, “AGHH!,” to express indecision, surprise, stress, and/or happiness. He once won our Bowling league’s World Heavyweight Bowling Championship of the World and proceeded to hide behind his wife’s schedule. And, most distressingly of all, Masse legitimately believes Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace is a good movie.
Masse’s opinion on anything is rarely sought and ignored if rendered for many of these reasons. But, after he was so vocal while watching the Rumble at my house this year, I felt it was time that Masse was heard.
Below is a transcription of my interview with this pariah. Our conversation presents his outsider’s view on professional wrestling and will likely help you, my dear reader, hone your critical eye as you are likely increasing your viewership of the grapples as we barrel towards WrestleMania. If not, it will certainly provide you with a cautionary anecdote on why we should all avoid becoming, well, everything that Masse is.
***Jay: OK, so I’d like to start our conversation about the Royal Rumble by asking for your thoughts on The Phantom Menace. I want my readers to know exactly who they are dealing with. Do you like The Phantom Menace in an ironic, “so bad, it’s good,” kind of way, or do you legitimately love it?
Masse: No I legitimately love it. Everyone hates on it because of, what they call, poor character development and Jar Jar Binks, but Jar Jar has an important role. He is like a sherpa, an unsung hero.
Jay: What the hell is a sherpa?
Masse: Sherpas are an ethnic group in Nepal that help people climb Mt. Everest.
Jay: Is that what The Phantom Menace is to you? How does the Phantom Menace relate to Mt. Everest?
Masse: Because it is a movie that is trying to climb Mt. Everest, because it is climbing out of the shadow of its predecessors and the expectations that were placed on it.
Jay: Well. OK. Is this the same, I guess, critical eye that you are using to critique the Royal Rumble.
Masse: The same.
Jay: And now much wrestling have you watched?
Masse: Little to none. I remember Eddie Guerrero dying.
Jay: So you started watching when Eddie —
Masse: What was the name of that Canadian wrestler that killed his family, the murder-suicide thing because of road rage?
Jay: Wow. Just —
Masse: I mean roid rage. AGHH!
Jay: Let’s just talk about the Rumble. Start big and go narrow. What were your overall impressions?Masse: The women’s [Royal Rumble match] was much more entertaining. The men’s was boring because one guy beat the first thirteen. There was more action at the end but then it was just a bunch of large, sweaty men tossing their hair and each other back and forth.
Jay: Cool. What drew you to [the women’s Rumble]?
Masse: There was that one woman [Bianca Belair] that lasted longer than the others and she was very strong, so props. But I was still pretty lost. There was a long stretch of people that just blended together but then the one from Mortal Kombat came out.
Masse: Yeah, she was dressed Sindel [Zelina Vega].
Jay: Any other takeaways?
Masse: No, not really. I thought Sindel did well but I was confused why she was in the Rumble and not working with Shao Khan.
Jay: I see, the match after that was The Fiend vs. Daniel Bryan. What were your thoughts on that?
Masse: Oh The Fiend is a very, very overused character. Over exposed.
Jay: How are you making that call? You’ve admitted to never watching wres–
Masse: Other franchises have used it.
Jay: What are you talking about? What other franchises have used —
Masse: I mean the upside down hanging spider-move was creepy. It was creepy but a weak finishing move.
Jay: It wasn’t a finishing move. He just kind of poses like that because it’s a part of his character.
Masse: Used in many, many other franchises.
Jay: Masse, what have you been watching that features people attacking each other in, and I quote, “upside down hanging spider-moves?”
Jay: What did you think of Bayley vs. Lacey Evans?
Masse: I’m glad you asked. Bayley looks like a very serious mom who wants to see the manager. I was very intimidated.
Jay: About her coming to see your manager?
Masse: Yes. She’d tank through all my managers. So I was immediately unimpressed and unengaged.
Jay: How were you unimpressed and unengaged? You just admitted she’d tear through your managers and I know your managers, getting through —
Masse: And it was stupid she brought her daughter to the ring.
Jay: She didn’t. Her daughter was in the crowd.
Masse: Her daughter needs more training. She needs a better coach.
Jay: Masse, her daughter is six years-old and was just watching the match.
Masse: She should have watched from home. She needs more training.
Jay: What about Becky Lynch vs. Asuka? What did you think?
Masse: Asuka looks like a paintbrush. Uninspiring.
Jay: Excuse me?
Masse: Her hair was several different colors, like a paint brush. I was uninspired.
Jay: Would you like to comment on the match itself or the storytelling that it was buoyed by?
Masse: I thought Asuka was a painter and was confused why she felt the need to be a wrestler and spit the green stuff at people.
Jay: I see. Let’s — let’s just finish this. What did you think of the Men’s Royal Rumble Match?
Masse: I was disappointed.
Jay: That seems to be a recurring theme but —
Masse: It was boring because of Brock Lensar. He just kept throwing people out and it got old after the first three. And I didn’t really know anyone besides Roman Reigns and his friend, Drew McIntryre.
Jay: What? I think you confused McIntyre with Seth Rollins.
Messe: Probably. Too much long, wet hair. They have to distinguish themselves more.
Jay: You might have an unintentionally good point. They do kind of seem to blend together these days in terms of style and —
Masse: And why was Lesnar in the Rumble? Isn’t he the champion? Why would the champion be competing for a shot to face the champion…
Jay: Masse, these are actually great points. Well you see —
Masse: We should have just watched Phantom Menace. It was much better than the Royal Rumble. AGHH!
Jay: And we’re back. Thank you for your time, Masse.
There a small amount of insight in Masse’s madness. His criticisms regarding Brock’s role in the Rumble and homogeneity amongst the roster are certainly valid however, recall that much of his thought process is based on Jar Jar Binks and a legitimate fear of Bayley.
I usually try to end my interviews with a final thought or something that you might learn from this person. None of that can be found here. Here’s this picture of Edge. He made everyone happy.
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