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Dare to fight fair with hair: How to pick the X-Men election

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Dare to fight fair with hair: How to pick the X-Men election

Let your friends know who you voted for in the first-ever X-Men Election: Hair Edition!

Just when we all thought we’d had enough of election drama, the X-Men office decided to rope the country — nay, the world— back into the chaos of democracy. Though this time around, the stakes are much higher. We have to decide who gets to be the two newest X-Men team members.

So here we are, gathered to discuss two potential heroes and whether they may be truly worthy of such a coveted role. Undoubtedly, we’ll be seeing X-fans debate which character is deserving more of the team appointment. These fans will likely cite various character arcs and specific power sets that make one character a better choice than another. But AIPT’s Connor Christiansen and Dave Brooke don’t know the first thing about these X-Men. You know what they do know? Hair. 

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Connor and Dave don’t know who Polaris’s father is, what Tempo even does, or even if Marrow is a real character and not some new character made up solely for this election. All they know is a good hairdo when they see one. So they’re breaking down these potential new X-Men and rating their candidacy based solely on their hair, specifically looking at the following categories: shine, lusciousness, cleanliness, length, and versatility.

Think you know a thing or two about X-Men manes? You can vote on which X-Men candidate you think has the best hair right here! Just make sure to read up on each X-Men’s hair below and cast your vote by 11:59 PM EST on February 2nd.

Now let’s take a look at the follicles of our fair fighters and debate!

Dare to fight fair with Hair: How to pick the X-Men election

Dave: Armor is my sleeper choice in part because she has haircare protection with her flipping powers. Also, the shininess is off the scale.

Connor: Hard to pick against armor because her shine and cleanliness cannot be rivaled due to her protective powers, as David said. But I’d like to point out that what she chooses to do with her hair is so plain. Not bad, just plain. She could have a chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cone, but she chooses vanilla instead. Just boring. That’s really going to hurt her candidacy for me.

Dave: Plain is definitely a fault on Armor. Maybe she doesn’t think about it since her armor is bald and thus a different look? Oh my god, sleeper bonus, Armor technically has two heads to show off!

Dare to fight fair with Hair: How to pick the X-Men election

Dave: If someone asked you who can pull off longer locks and mutton chops, it’s Banshee. The fact that he can throw down with extra hair on his face and still lead is a testament to his incredible hair. 

Connor: As Dave alluded to, mutton chops are a tough look to pull off — but me-oh-my does Banshee get it done. And his wavy, perfectly trimmed hair that perfectly teases the fuzz on his cheeks just calls attention to the symmetrical beauty of this Irish legend. Everything is just tied together pristinely, and I think Garth Brooks was likely thinking of Banshee when he wrote “Ireland” in 1995. Sadly, I just can’t look past how gross his hair has to get on a daily basis as he screams (literally) through the skies. That really hurts his chances of winning. 

Dave: It’s a real problem if your powers are flight since so much icky stuff flies into the hair. Why Banshee would go with a longer hairdo knowing full well what a motorcycle visor looks like after a 30-minute drive is beyond me. 

Connor: Yeah that’s where the fluffier hair is a double-edged sword for him because I am sure it catches so much more trash. I can’t help but feel like that hair is perhaps aerodynamic though and actually allows for a smoother flight. Worth factoring into his candidacy.

Dare to fight fair with Hair: How to pick the X-Men election

Dave: I’ve never been too tapped into what Boom-Boom does, but I did catch up on her adventures when Ed Brisson wrote her in X-Force

Connor: I think of everyone here, Boom-Boom at least wins the award for “mutant I want to do brunch with the most.” But is it because of her hair? Absolutely not. Her hair is just as messy as her life. Sure, it’s long, but what does she do with that length? Nothing. What a shame. Oh and let’s not even get into her look from the ’90s because of it. was. trash. 

Dave: What hits me the hardest is her styling always looks too casual. I want an X-Man that can pull off saving the world and have their hair turn heads.

Connor: Like, I get it, you already demand enough attention with your powers, but being so casually flippant with that hair is a disservice to all of Krakoa. You’re representing a new nation, have some pride in your damn appearance.

Dare to fight fair with Hair: How to pick the X-Men election

Dave: In the ’90s, he had Kurt Cobain style hair — did I just age myself — and it worked. Lately, though he’s going for that fluffy shortcut that doesn’t do it for me. It’s never good for an electoral candidate to attempt fashion from the 90s.

Connor: I feel like Cannonball has the “good ole cornhusker” vibe going for him, which is a compliment for his personality but definitely an insult at his hair. Hey Sam, 1960s Army grunts called, they want their haircut back. Now, go back just a couple of years or into the late ’90s/early 2000s, and we’ve got ourselves a man with luscious locks that make a statement. But what have ‘ya done for me lately, Mr. Guthrie? Not enough to be an X-Man, I’d say. 

Dave: If Cannonball was a hairdo, it’d be what the lead on King of the Hill has.

Dare to fight fair with hair: How to pick the X-Men election

Dave: If you rock a bandana and aren’t Rambo, you’re doing it wrong. I’ve never liked Forge’s ponytail.

Connor: I think Dave and I are in complete agreement here. Only John Rambo looks good in a red bandana. That ponytail, too? Just doesn’t mesh with anything Forge is trying to do. It’s like he was after the “business in the front, party in the back” aura of a mullet, but instead what we get is a pedophile mustache in the front and a pedophile ponytail in the back. Horrible. Somebody needs to do something about this.

Dave: Also, given he’s in a dank workshop in the bowels of Krakoa, we’re probably being way too generous with the cleanliness factor.

Connor: Oh my god, I didn’t even think of that. It’s probably constantly wet and or damp. There’s no way that’s good for your scalp. 

Dave: Head and Shoulders called, they want that scalp in ads pronto!

Dare to fight fair with Hair: How to pick the X-Men election

Dave: I love that she has so much going on in the immediate front, but has that short cut going on the sides. That said, her powers gross me out — though I think they are cool — and it makes my mind race with what her hair must be like.

Connor: I’m glad Dave brought it up because Marrow’s powers creep me out so much. But I won’t let that affect my judgment of her hair.

Dave: Honestly, hair creeps me out too. Her powers are basically the same reason why hair grosses me out. It grows forever. EVEN WHEN UR DEAD!

Connor: But looking just at her hair, I actually kind of dig her look. Perhaps a little too wispy and silken, though. And really not much she can do with its length. And all that bone growth probably creates a lot of bone dust that accumulates in her hair… actually, I don’t dig her hair at all. I am just scared.

Dare to fight fair with Hair: How to pick the X-Men election

Connor: I know it’s controversial that Polaris is even a candidate since, ya know, she’s already leading an X-Team… but anyone who knows my opinions on hair knows that I am an absolute sucker for vibrantly colored hair.

Dave: Don’t listen to Connor here folks. He knows nothing because that hair is fake, a weave, or some kind of optical illusion. No way it’s real. Straight up, the only good look she’s pulled off is that time she looked like Wolverine.

Connor: Here it comes y’all, the drama. Because Dave’s comments insult me to my core. Real or not, Polaris’ hair makes a statement, and doesn’t just grab your attention but outright kidnaps your attention. For her hair alone, she commands respect and immediately becomes the only person in the room who matters. It’s loud, it’s flowing, it’s perfectly proportioned around her face, and it’s snuggly fit beneath her Magneto mask. 

Dave: Your propensity for green is shocking since you didn’t give Banshee the time of day.

Connor: Oh I am sorry, are we talking about mutant’s choice in colorful suits or are we talking about hair.

Dave: Your takes are as fake as her fake hair.

Connor: Just because it ain’t real, doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. Trying to tell the Poor Taste Wrestling crew that their sport is “fake” and “not important.” Can’t believe you would say that stuff. 

Dave: What a backhanded attack at another section of the site. Almost as backhanded as Polaris’ hair is to my taste.

Connor: Hey, you’re the one saying if things are fake they have less value!! Sorry that I appreciate artistic expression through fiction, be it in hair or wrestling.

Dare to fight fair with hair: How to pick the X-Men election

Connor: Look; it’s not about how much hair you have — it’s how you use it. And Strong Guy’s wee little strand of silver silk is honestly the perfect look for him. 

Dave: Strong Guy uses his hair like a samurai with a perfectly balanced sword. It’s focused, it’s sharp, and it will cut you if you look at it the right way. This is the hair we should all aspire to be.

Connor: Yeah, talk about efficient use of sparse resources. I actually showed Strong Guy to my friend Tharon Phunder, owner of Hairy Situation Salon, and she said, “It’s almost as if he’s refuting the notion that all bulky, strong men must be bald. He’s taking a stand with that hair, that his lifestyle won’t control his mane.” Really makes you think, huh?

Dare to fight fair with Hair: How to pick the X-Men election

Connor: Oh boy, we got ourselves the front runner folks. Sunspots hair is just perfect for his personality and is so exquisitely curled and feathered.  

Dave: If hair could be a Mona Lisa, it would look like Sunspot’s head. Perfection. Perfect volume, perfect look, and while the length is short, it does have a bounce you can only dream about if you owned a bouncy house. In fact, I’d say 80% of Sunspot’s charm is his hair.

Connor: I absolutely agree. I would kill for hair like this. It’s just curly cuteness overload, my god. Is it hot in here? I feel a little hot, perhaps even bothered. I usually prefer longer hair, like that shaggy 70s look, but Sunspot got me feeling some type of way, I tell you what.

Dare to fight fair with hair: How to pick the X-Men election

Dave: Tempo usually has her helmet on and by usually I mean nearly always. It’s hard to tell how well they can keep it primped and looking good, especially when they don’t need to care at all about how it looks!

Connor: Part of me wants to believe that Tempo is hiding incredible hair that is so pristine it might set a new standard of hair excellence and she just doesn’t want the attention. I know literally nothing about Tempo, but all I want to know is what’s going on atop that head of hers. 

Dave: I’m not saying Tempo wears that costume to hide their hair, but there are secrets under that mask.

The X-Man with the best hair is…

Dave: I have to go with Sunspot. I came into this debate thinking it was Strong Guy, because he can pull off a baby-doo like no other. But dang it, Sunspot has those fluffy full curls. You got to respect the natural beauty of it. A vote for Sunspot is a vote for reasonably delicious follicles.

Connor: Sunspot is looking mighty fine, Strong Guy makes great use of such little hair, and Banshee’s got just excellent overall presentation. I got to stay on brand, though, and give it to my aquamarine queen Polaris. I know, I know — she doesn’t deserve a spot on the X-Men because she’s already got the spotlight in X-Factor. Remember though, I only care about hair and nothing else. And Polaris has hair that I can believe in, that I can strive to replicate, and that I can trust. Polaris sets an example that all of Krakoa — no, the world — should follow. And god, I just love brightly colored hair.

You can vote now in Marvel’s election which runs until 11:59 p.m. EST, February 2, 2021.

Don’t forget to vote for who you think has the best hair of these X-Men nominees here.

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