Most people know professional wrestling is largely staged, even some of its biggest fans. Wrestling fans get caught up in the whimsical stories the wrestlers act out on the world’s stage, and suspend belief for two hours every Monday night while the slightly less brain damaged are watching football. But sometimes, the creative team at the WWE ask us to suspend our belief a little too high, and then drop it off a fucking skyscraper. Here are some examples of how if things in wrestling were handled in an even remotely realistic fashion, these deranged criminals would be on Death Row:
4. Stone Cold Steve Austin
Charges: Aggravated assault, attempted calculated murder, public drunkenness , DUI, grand theft beer truck/zamboni
Biggest offense: Attempted vehicular homicide
Austin’s image is pretty much based around the concept that he’s an asshole. In stark contrast to the faces of old, Austin gained fans not by supporting America and imploring kids to say their prayers and drink their milk, but rather by kicking his boss’s ass on a weekly basis, and telling kids to go fuck themselves. All of this was in kayfabe of course (kayfabe = “in character”, the etymology of which reportedly is derived from pig latin for “fake” – which pretty much makes me an “oserlay” for knowing that), and only added to his appeal.
“Go fuck yourselves New York! …Austin 3:16 shirts now just $19.99 at wwfshopzone.com!”
Triple H was on RAW 15 days later, healthy as a horse!
3. Triple H
Charges: Indecent exposure, fraud, assault with a deadly weapon with intent to injure, conspiracy
Biggest offense: Videotaped and publicly admitted rape
The Game himself is just an upstanding, morally sound fellow, isn’t he? Betraying long time friends to get ahead, hospitalizing innocent men, raping his boss’s daughter…wait, what? In 1999, Stephanie McMahon was set to marry Test on an episode of RAW (always the best forum for a declaration of holy matrimony), but as the priest asked if anyone had any objections, H’s music hit, and out he came with video evidence of him drugging, marrying, and subsequently raping a passed-out Stephanie. Vince McMahon had all the evidence he needed; he called the cops and Helmsley was sent directly to jail without parole. …Just kidding, this is pro wrestling, McMahon instead did nothing other than sign himself into a title match against Helmsley. The punishment has to fit the crime, after all!
Christ, if real life was anything like wrestling Saddam would not have been captured and killed, he would have faced Dubya in a ladder match for the rights to face the champion at WrestleMania, and the ‘Iraq war’ would have been nothing more than Bush blowing his nose in the Iraqi flag in front of Saddam’s weeping manager and Saddam calling everybody in attendance ‘stupid Americans’.
2. The Big Boss Man
Charges: Animal cruelty, inhumane murder of animals, interrupting a funeral and dragging the dead man’s goddamned corpse by a chain attached to his personalized police car (I can’t even feign legal jargon with these crimes, they’re too fucked up)
Biggest offense: Killing, slicing and dicing a man’s dog without his consent and subsequently feeding it to him, cackling maniacally
The Big Boss Man was one of those mid-carders in the early 1990s who everyone knew but no one quite knew why he was on television. He’s been offensively overweight his entire career, and his entire gimmick is that he’s a cop. I know there are some uncreative gimmicks out there, but Christ, his gimmick may as well have been that he’s a dinosaur.
“You know who are hard asses? T-REXES! But since we sadly can’t fashion a man into a dinosaur, let’s just make him a policeman.”
1. The Big Boss Man (again)
Charges: See above.
Biggest offense: See above.
For some reason the Big Boss Man became the most soulless antichrist on the face of the planet (which laughably still didn’t get him over as a heel), and his laundry list of mortal sins became way too much for just one entry. Try to follow this horrifying (and retarded) chain of events:
In another feud with The Big Show, Boss Man decided to get into his opponents head by somehow uncovering untold secrets Show had never told anyone in his life. Boss Man hired someone to tell Show that his father had passed away. At the funeral, he showed up in a custom made police car that he inexplicably owned, chained the casket to it and drove away whirring his sirens, screaming and shooting off his guns like it was an episode of a necrophiliac Dukes of Hazard. A few weeks after this display which likened him to a satanic Yosemite Sam, he decided to mess with Show a little more. He accomplished this by knocking on his mother’s door, who, like Snow, readily invited the raging maniac who just stole her late husband’s corpse into her home for milk and cookies. During the powwow, Boss Man got Big Show’s mother to admit that he was a bastard child, and immediately exclaiming to the camera that he was a “Big Nasty Bastard!” while cackling to the camera. Boss Man then stole blankets from a nearby orphanage and strangled an elderly woman trying to cross the street with them while pissing on an American flag .
Once again, a sordid affair that should probably have involved intervention of National Defense was instead solved by a wrestling match with some wacky stipulation. The Big Boss Man died a few years later, presumably from guilt.
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