By Matt Kindt and Trevor Hairsine
Nick: You know the spark is gone when the creepy spaceman watching you in bed is getting bored with the show.
Dave: I think I’m getting a headache just reading this.
Dog: The High Evolutionary ponders, “Am I attracted to Dolph Lundgren in drag? It’s so lonely on Counter Earth.”
John: His loss. My gain. Now get this over with so I can bring the moving van around.
Written by Greg Pak | Art by Ardian Syaf
Dave: The holidays are a lot different when you invite Batman over for dinner.
Dog: “MY Grandma makes uncomfortably racist remarks about the ‘dark meat’ at Thanksgiving dinner, so you’re … actually, you’re pretty okay, now that I think about. Sorry for the massive cranial contusions.”
Nick: That’s a pretty aggressive ‘stranger danger’ technique, Mr. Wayne.
John: I always knew Batman was a Sith.
Lady Demon #3
Written by Aaron Gillespie | Art by Mirka Andolfo
Dave: They really are letting the fungal commercials get away with more these days.
Dog: His doctor told him not to sleep with his contacts in…
Nick: Looks like someone finally released a Sean Hannity sex tape.
J. Michael Straczynski and Art by Tom Mandrake
Dave: Exploding Armstrong wasn’t as big of a seller as Stretch Armstrong, but that’s partly due to all the fingers children lost after “playing” with them.
Nick: Wow—eyeballs are getting the short end of the stick this week.
Dog: And every week! Might as well just rename this column “Eyeballs A-Poppin’.” More projectile peepers per page than any other site on the ‘net!
East of West #18
Written by Jonathan Hickman | Art by Nick Dragotta
Dave: Some tumors just want to be loved.
John: Cuddle: codeword for ‘do you want to die, little balloon?’
Dog: After people, hamsters will gorge on our remains and become the dominant megafauna, deterring all predators with their mass and ADORABLE WITTLE FACES SQEEEEEE!
Princess Leia #2
Written by Mark Waid | Art by Terry Dodson
Dave: New Star Wars comics are integrating the prequels, which immediately makes me wonder…did Leia ever get it on with a Gungan?
Nick: I just hope it means we get to watch Jar Jar die an agonizing death at some point.
John: The real Jar Jar did die in Phantom Menace. He never made it through the Core. The Jar Jar after is really just a body double. #StarWarsConspiracy
Action Comics #40
Written by Greg Pak | Art by Aaron Kudor
Dave: I’d love to see Jason Momoa with this version of the Aquaman costume, complete with a fishbowl on his head.
Nick: I have a sweater that looks like Aquaman’s shirt.
John: Bizarro needs to lay off the Marlboro Reds. Man his teeth are yellow. How many puffs does it take to create a hole in his throat?
Dog: Beatnik hobo Superman thinks they’re all crazy.
Sons of Anarchy #19
Written by Ryan Ferrier | Art by Matías Bergara
Nick: Next Panel: A giant mole saunters up and whispers “I can make that happen if you’re down…”
Dave: So you’re saying if we get past the fist whack level we get to the “fun” whackin?
John: We are still waiting on the third and fourth member to make this a party and then the real *wink* whackin’ can begin.
Dog: “Everyone put your keys in the bowl! Preferably not Aquaman’s!”
Manhattan Projects: The Sun Beyond the Stars #1
Written by Jonathan Hickman | Art by Nick Pitarra
Dave: The last recorded image of someone using the saying, “boom goes the dynamite!”
Nick: The eyeballs survived that? Seriously?
Dog: We feature only the most indestructible orbs on “Eyeballs a Poppin’”! All eyeballs guaranteed at tensile strengths of 3,000 psi or higher!
John: All creatures must have one or two eyes. Three is unacceptable.
Amazing Spider-Man #16
Written by Dan Slott | Art by Humberto Ramos
John: That’s some tough love…
Dave: I had a psychologist who used this brand of understanding. It worked, but the finisher was always the hardest part of our sessions.
Dog: The terrible truth of PETA, brought to light.
Written by Justin Jordan | Art by
Dave: The baby might not be touched, but now it’s filled with nightmares.
Dog: The blood really clashes with his lavender shirt and golden bolo tie. But then again, anything would.
Nick: At least one of the bad guy’s eyeballs made it.
John: The no look stab to Jordan and…it’s good! Slam dunk!
Written by Swifty Lang | Art by Skuds McKinley
Dave: Market researchers decided the Taco Bell buffet was changing their customers behavior a bit too much. “Sticking to horse meat,” they mumbled, exiting the lab.
Nick: I once partook in a Kentucky Fried Chicken buffet, and I can promise you gory aftermath is still completely worth it.
John: This is what happens when you breed with parasitic aliens or in Nick’s case eating at KFC.
Dog: How’d that drippy, non-poppin’ eyeball sneak on here? Someone call quality control!
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