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AEW Dynamite recap: December 4, 2019

Pro Wrestling

AEW Dynamite recap: December 4, 2019

Cody issues a challenge to MJF, Jericho debuts the Lexicon of Le Champion and more.

Hello. I can’t say that I’m actually that pumped to watch wrestling tonight after the day I’ve had but I’m here, in the right frame of mind, and ready for little relief from the hell that is domesticated life.

Listen to the latest episode of our weekly wrestling podcast, PTW!

Young Bucks start off this week’s Dynamite and and these boys are fringed the f*ck out! They look awesome. I can’t seem to hear a thing as the audio is cutting in and out like crazy — very tough to deal with honestly. Dustin comes out and he is equally fringed out but with the same two-face face paint and it’s kind of a weird look. Ok, well, trying to roll with it, out comes Sammy the Spanish God and then Proud and Powerful and, while I didn’t see any of LAX, I absolutely love these dudes in AEW. They are pretty nasty and seem really authentically crazy in a New Jack sort of way. The match is fine and they are all doing a variety of spots and moves but I’m distracted by the fact that Dustin is wrestling with a f*cking cast on his arm (got broken two weeks ago?). Also he is covered in fringe and neon. It’s wild. I like it and he looks cool, especially for a 50 year old dude, but also, what the hell, dudes?

Ten minutes in and the audio issues persist. This is a f*cking drag. I’m having a weird and stupid day and this isn’t helping. Lots of super kicks, lots of flips, it’s almost just a spot fest after a while. Dustin has a kind of funny moment where he asks Sammy to give him a breather mid-match…dude then jumps off the top rope for a cross body and then a SICK f*cking Canadian Destroyer on Ortiz. Sammy hits a 630 and I swear it’s over but Dustin kicks out, a tag happens at some point and Uncle Nick is in the ring. Ortiz yells “SUCK MY DICK” as he jumps over the top rope. This match is just a mountain of cocaine. Sammy goes into his jacket, breaks out his phone and starts blogging mid-match — he does a shooting star press into a pair of super kicks while holding his f*cking phone! The match ends with Uncle Nick jumping into a senton piledriver combo that i can’t even explain. I don’t know. I love the Bucks, I like Dustin more and more as time goes on, and I LOOOOOVE the Inner Circle dudes, but I might be with JR re: spot heavy tag matches. It might not be working for me. I might also be a prickly old f*ck today too.

As the commentators lay out tonight’s episode of Dynamite, I am f*cking stoked. Rey Fenix and Trent are up next and I really like Trent a lot and I LOVE Orange Cassidy, but I not only do NOT like Chuck Taylor, I don’t like or get the Best Friends sh*t. At this point, Cassidy and Chuckie T are holding back Trent. Also, Trent needs a last name, otherwise he is just a character on Daria. This is already such a better match than the other week with Fenix and Nick Jackson. That match felt like two tag wrestlers having half a tag match. This is a wrestling match. Fenix has bursts of moves but Trent keeps it working like a match with psychology. I don’t know how I would use him or what I even could expect from AEW booking, but I f*cking HATE that OC is a prop for a sh*tty tag team. He is absolutely a specific schtick but I think there could be another way. Maybe it’s just the Chuckie association, maybe it’s just my stupid mood.

I don’t know what I should be expecting to see on USA right now, but I’m compelled to switch the channel when I hear Jim Ross talk about f*cking Oklahoma football coming up this weekend. The fact that Orange Cassidy watches the match from ringside on his knees is pretty funny. He seems to be reviewing the match in real time, but he moves with the speed of a sloth. Trent hits Fenix with a Clothesline from Hell and Cassidy throws up one finger. Trent looks f*cking badass. Fenix does some sick sh*t but gets planted with such a good sitting piledriver that Orange Cassidy thinks it’s over and gets up to walk away. That was a pretty muscle buster into a bomb and damn, Trent ain’t answering that! During the commercial Fenix and Trent get into it again, this time because Fenix wouldn’t shake Trent’s hand! Yikes! f*ck, Taylor even gets in the ring to break it up. I couldn’t care less as soon as that guy is involved, unfortunately.

Cody is shown walking backstage and before the break Jim Ross mentioned that Tony will be speaking with Cody. Why is it always this way, and why does this seem to happen every other week now? Why does Cody have to have the most masterbatory entrance in the entire company, even when he is coming out in a suit with a pea coat on for a promo? Schiavone with his f*cking earring. Jesus. Tony brings up the Butcher, The Blade and the Bunny and I want more of them. Cody goes into talking about his scar, talking about how none of his people have been around to have his back lately. He mentions his wife cutting off people’s hair and collecting it. Calls out his own stipulation and even makes references to other promotions, mentions how he would have given them a match if they asked. Sh*ts all over MJF hard, calls out a sh*tty Cross-Rhodes and then how now they do them poorly on two channels. He wants a f*cking match with MJF, man. He is trying pretty hard to shame him while also shamelessly putting himself over. Cody offers his truck, he offers his watch, he offers $50k cash and then gives a kid in the audience $100. This promo rules but it will be stupid if nothing happens. As I write that, Cody’s music hits. So that’s that…Ugh.

Joey Janela cuts a sick promo backstage on Moxley and as he is really ramping up Mox walks on camera, looks at Alex Marvez and says “kids,” starts talking about how last time didn’t count but this time the lights are gonna be on, how he is gonna need to kill Joey for it to end, and walks off.

Dark Order promo rules, “What is your motive for joining the Dark Order?” f*ckin awesome. I will go to JoinDarkOrder.com and I want a shirt with that weird-ass logo on it. This sh*t is hokey as f*ck but it’s awesome. Perfect.

Nyla Rose against Leva Bates and I love the librarian duo, but Nyla dismantles Leva, all but breaks Peter Avalon’s finger off for shushing her, double chokeslams them both and it’s just matter of time before Nyla’s music is playing again. After the win, she picks Leva up for a second Beast Bomb and as she goes for Leva again Nyla is dropkicked off the top rope by Shanna, who is apparently working on a feud with the Native Beast.

During commercial, Nyla pulls out a f*ckimg table and sets it up in the ring after knocking Shanna out and as she is going to powerbomb Shanna onto the table, Rick Knox puts a stop to it, calls for a handshake which she answers with a f*cking kick to the gut, powerbombs his ass through the table and then powerbombs Shanna onto Knox, who is smashed through the f*cking table already! Goddamn, that was savage!

Here comes Le Champion and dammit, I gotta say, this son of a b*tch has really turned my night around. He is so good. Jericho looks so good with the belt on his shoulder and Jake Hager looks like a flight attendant or something. Jericho is starting off right away sh*tting on Champagne, Illinois. NOBODY famous ever came from Champagne. I sold 12,000 bottles of this piss in a week. Jericho is out to complain about how he has to contractually have one more match his calendar year. Jericho says he has put together a list and the crowd goes bonkers. Jericho works through his Lexicon of Le Champion and starts running down a list of all the people he has beat this year, and as he did with his list of 1004 Holds all those years ago, he keeps mentioning Moxley. This list is excellent. As he is going thru a huge lis–I mean, lexicon–Jungle Express’s music comes on?

Luchasaurus and the gang come out. Luchasuarus grabs the mic, growls, and then goes on to break kayfabe and talk about all kinds of smart sh*t. I kinda hate this. Marko is small for his size. Marko is small for any age. Jericho calls Jungle Boy a piece of sh*t. Calls him a Hollywood golden boy. Jungle Boy takes the mic and in the dorkiest voice says “I can last ten minutes with you.”

Wow, Kris Statlander has the weirdest tron entrance and I don’t think I’m buying into this f*cking alien gimmick. Tony refers to her as a hot indie prospect, but I don’t know. Her opponent is Hikaru Shida, and this should be a good match, but I’m generally a little distracted and turned off by all the goofy makeup and kayfabe alien talk. JR keeps imploring us not to change the channel. What am I missing on the other channel, Jim? The match continues in PIP throughout the commercial, and ref Aubrey pantomimes her way through a few of the stiffer spots. As they come back from commercial, Statlander pulls Shida sloppily out the ring.

Cody and QT Marshall will go against the Butcher and the Blade next week. Cody had declared during his promo that they could pick his partner (for whatever f*cking reason) and THAT’S who they picked. I don’t know. What sense is anything.

This has been a pretty great wrestling match. I really like Shida. There are a couple of near falls and I’m convinced that Shida is gonna win. Not unlike Ember Moon, I don’t like her, but her finish rules. Statlander has that sh*t as well. After she wins (and I officially do not like her now) out comes Brandi and Kong. Brandi Rhodes is better on the mic than she should be. The Nightmare Collective. Brandi offers Kris a spot in the family (a la Dark order?) and she needs to accept or she will be on Kong’s barber shop list. Some lady in the crowd yells about how she wants to pledge to have Kong cut HER hair.

As they cut to commercial, Kong goes off camera and grabs hair buzzers, What the f*ck am I watching? Why am I watching these two women shave another woman’s head? This whole segment got super weird. This was Brandi’s time to talk and she didn’t really say much…they tried to recruit a wrestler to their group, she didn’t exactly say no and then some random fan asks to join and they take her instead? And now they are advertising Pentagon and Christopher Daniels up next? I generally don’t f*cking care about Daniels. Why does this Freddie Mercury motherf*cker get a mic stand with a live mic on it as well? Pentagon Jr., on the other hand, f*cking rules. His look is so f*cking cool. Daniels jumps Penta before he even gets into the ring and it’s not very long before Penta has the upper hand and the match begins. This is a pretty standard good wrestling match but there is something about Pentagon that makes every movement he makes so captivating. I have heard it described as “it’s what you do in between the moves that gets your character over,” and this guy has that in spades. Daniels has the body of a man five years his senior but the skills of a dude ten years younger. As I write that, Daniels went for and missed an Arabian Moonsault and I can’t explain what happened other than to say he just f*cking sat down and ate sh*t. Fenix comes out, teases some sh*t, and f*cks with Daniels’ mic stand.

Butcher/Blade/Bunny explainer promo next. “We are here to cut the head off the snake. We have seen enough of you, Cody.” Ok. Cool. At least they have a purpose. Plus, they are riding the line of looking like steampunk asshles and looking legitimately f\cking awesome. I’m leaning towards looking f*cking awesome.

Main event time and Joey Janela is likely going to make me feel gross in the next 15 minutes or so. Mox comes through the crowd to the ring and I’m so f*cking into it every single time. I really want this sh*t to go well for him. I really like him and I just noticed he has a diamond in his ear. I’m gonna dial back my fawning for right now. Mox and Cody have the two best theme songs in AEW, but sadly that isn’t saying much at all. Joey’s hair looks lovely tonight. Mox and Joey are having a bit of a wrestling match. That’s kinda cool. Currently they are wrestling like it’s a commercial break — lots of rest holds.

JR makes reference to Moxley’s birthday this weekend and mentions how Renee will probably do something nice for him or something like that. It’s funny how WWE isn’t allowed to mention anything outside of their universe, but how natural and kinda “cool” it is to just address the reality of the situation for others. Mox makes so many funny faces at the camera as he is thinking up something clever to say. Poor Joey is just a f*cking punching bag. Mox and Janela do a ton of spots on the ramp, which is connected to the ring. No count outs and plenty of brutality between the two. Joey tosses Mox outside the ring into the bell keeper and then jumps off the top turnbuckle through Mox and the table and I winced. These guys are practically no selling all these nasty moves but Mox hits Joey with a Paradigm Shift from the second rope and then another one proper in the ring and it’s over. Mox’s music is interrupted by “Judas” and Jericho & co. descend from the crowd and it’s over.

Well, all in all, that wasn’t a waste of my night. There definitely are still some kinks and some growing pains and some odd sh*t that I just don’t get, but all in all I am being given an alternative to WWE and for that I am grateful. Kris Statlander is not a high point. I might not be as big a fan of this brand of tag team wrestling as I thought I would have been. Cody Rhodes kind of annoys me, mostly with his entrances. But I love Jericho. I love the Dark Order. I love Mox. I’m into this sh*t. Keep it up, AEW. You have another few months before I start reconsidering if I’m even going to watch any of this sh*t any more because I can only f*ck with Impact or NWA Powrrr so much.

Wrestling rules. F*ck the world. Party hard.


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