Time to play Fuck, Marry, Kill with the stars of our favorite horror movies. Just kidding, we don’t want to do any of these things without full consent and or a fair trial. However, it is a pretty popular opinion that villains are sometimes far more captivating than heroes. Villains or any protagonist in a horror movie seems to be a bit more interesting than the average person. They are usually haunted by a mysterious past and have unconventional ambitions. Here are some of the best dates for your Halloween night viewing.
Mary Lou Maloney (Prom Night II: Hello Mary Lou, 1987)
Status: Queen Bee – down to clown
Hobbies: Breaking hearts and partying
Pet Peeves: Don’t set her on fire. She will haunt you and your future children
Ideal Date: Making out with boys who are not her date
Billy Loomis (Scream, 1996)
Status: Complicated Boyfriend – maximum brooder
Hobbies: Horror movies and thinking of overly elaborate murder plots
Pet Peeves: Don’t talk bad about his mom
Ideal Date: Playing horror movie trivia
Herbert West (Re-Animator, 1985)
Status: Mad Scientist
Hobbies: Science and bringing stuff back from the dead
Pet Peeves: People who don’t get him
Ideal date: Experimenting on animals in the basement
Angela Baker (Sleepaway Camp, 1983)
Girl Most Likely
Status: Loner
Hobbies: Pretty chill, likes hanging out with family and avoiding group activities
Pet Peeves: Bullies and boyfriend stealers
Ideal date: Hanging on the beach
Angela Baker (Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers, 1988)
Status: Happy Camper
Hobbies: Sing-alongs and coordinating group events
Pet Peeves: Rude people
Ideal Date: Really here for friends, had a bad dating experience on the beach once
Bob (Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, 1992)
Laura, here’s a picture of me for your locker. XOXO Bob
Status: Evil entity
Hobbies: Possessing unsuspecting citizens of Twin Peaks
Pet Peeves: Meddling law officers and gloved hands
Ideal Date: Reciting creepy poetry
David (The Lost Boys, 1987)
Sup, girl?
Status: Bad boy you have probably dated in your lifetime
Hobbies: Hanging off of bridges
Pet Peeves: new people in town
Ideal Date: Chinese takeout
Michael Myers (Halloween, 1978 – ?)
Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?
Status: Escaped patient
Hobbies: Chilling and killing
Pet Peeves: Family
Ideal Date: Up for anything as long it’s on Halloween
May Dove Canady (May, 2002)
Status: Introvert
Hobbies: Doll collecting
Pet Peeves: Being ignored
Ideal Date: Only here for serious relationships
Bob (Vicious Fun, 2020)
Anybody wanna wang chung tonight?
Status: 80’s dreamboat
Hobbies: Living the vida loca 80’s style
Pet Peeves: Buzz kills
Ideal Date: Anywhere he can drive his awesome car
Any of these would be good company on Halloween night. However, if you think you might be dating someone who matches these descriptions, please dump them. They are maladjusted and bad for you and we do not condone toxic or abusive relationships. Happy Halloween!
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