Video game film adaptations seem to be hit or miss. For every Prince of Persia, there’s a Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Super Mario Bros, and House of the Dead. Okay, so they’ve all pretty much been misses. But why are video game franchises regarded as such utter jokes in the film industry? Is it because the most entertaining games are often mindless kill fests or button mashers which consist of jumping over barrels or slingshotting birds at fiendish looking pigs? Is it because Roger Ebert said that video games would never be regarded as art? We may never know. But could a Legend of Zelda film, a game with a complex set of characters, a storyline, and a mythology actually work? Like any other movie, with the right set of actors and a competent director at the helm, sure it could. That’s why we here at Adventures in Poor Taste have decided to take a stab at our own casting call. Behold.
Link – Aaron Johnson
For Link, the protagonist of our epic videogame based Bildungsroman, we need someone that can exhibit a vast array of characteristics; from childlike naiveté, wonderment, mischievousness, and vitality as a young boy growing up in the deep forest all the way to bravery, honor, and tenacity while flinging boomerangs, traversing labyrinthine dungeons, and maturing into the “Hero of Time.” Sort of like Frodo, but with enough bad-assery thrown in that our dude can hack apart dog-faced Moblins and take on Ganon without shitting his little green tights.
Aaron Johnson from Kick Ass and Nowhere Boy fame has shown he can go from awkward and geeky to courageous and heroic in a very endearing sort of way. Have him bulk up a little so it looks like he could actually heft a Master Sword or Triforce above his head and we’ve got a Hylian “hunk” fit to make a princess swoon.
Others considered: William Moseley from the Narnia films, Jamie Bell. Macauly Culkin only when Link has to utter the phrase, “Well excuuuuse me, Princess.”
Princess Zelda – Emma Watson
Zelda needs to be portrayed by someone obviously both beautiful and benevolent looking; someone with an air regal and ladylike, but tinged with a commensurate sense of power and sophistication. A gal who can roll up her ornate sleeves and get down to business if need be.
Emma Watson has about her a sort of elegance, timeless beauty, and purity that would bring the titular princess perfectly to life. Just slap some pointy ears on her to complete the elvish-look and shield your eyes and ears as basement dwelling fetishists the world over collectively bust a nut.
Others considered: Kristin Kreuk from Smallville, Scarlett Johanssen.
Ganon/Gannondorf – Gerard Butler
Malicious. Cunning. Powerful. Countless years of bottled up rage due to being born a ginger. These are the qualities that make up Gannondorf, the series’ main antagonist. The first choice that came to mind was actually Triple H from the WWE due to his imposing presence, blatantly protuberant schnozz and overall sinister appearance, but his acting credentials apart from over exaggerated flails and gesticulations while receiving a fake beating are slim to none.
Gerard Butler from 300 and Law Abiding Citizen is our choice; his rugged looks and gruff, virile sounding voice upon resonating throughout theaters would set little kids squirming in their seats with fear and the womenfolk squirming with lust.
Others considered: Liam Neeson
Tingle – Nick Swardson
Tingle’s Wikipedia article describes him as, “a short, paunchy 35-year-old man who is completely obsessed with ‘forest fairies’ and dresses up in a green costume … known for his catchphrase: ‘Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah!’”
On second thought, maybe it‘d be better if we just left this asshole out of the movie…
What’s that? Something about “contractual obligations or this movie will never see the light of day?” Goddamit, haven’t these Hollywood execs learned from Jar Jar Binks? Alright, so what we need then is someone who has no qualms about making a complete and utter mockery of themselves; a middle aged looking manchild that will dress head to toe in green tights while spouting gibberish all day long. While my first instinct would be to cast our very own Patrick Ross, all we’d really have to do is plug Will Ferrell in there in a completely unaltered reprising of his role Buddy from the movie Elf. But to avoid copyright infringement and myriad death threats, let’s just go with Nick Swardson best known from Grandma’s Boy, assorted Happy Madison films and his stand up comedy routines.
Others considered: Neil Patrick Harris, Macauly Culkin
Director – Guillermo del Toro
To bring to life the vast land of Hyrule (the Lost Woods, Death Mountain, Lake Hylia) and its inhabitants, both good and evil, a director with both creativity and vision would be needed. Guillermo del Toro of Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy fame has shown his proficiency in bringing such elaborate and imaginative fantasy worlds into fruition. Just imagine his portrayal of the aquatic hominoid race of Zoras, porcine-form Ganon, an illuminate and levitating Triforce, or Link pulling the Master Sword from its pedestal while immersed in a ring of dusty light.
Others considered: Peter Jackson, Sam Raimi.
So there we have it. Keep in mind that this article is just who we think would fit the role well and not necessarily which actors would leap at the chance due to contractual negotiations from their agents, need to be in the spotlight, or other Hollywood politics. Agree/disagree with our selections? Have a suggestion of your own? Have an idea for a movie you’d want to see brought to the big screen along with a list of actors? Leave a comment for us here on the page.
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