It’s time you joined us.
No, not our surreptitious cult that meets every Friday deep in the woods wearing Spider-Man footed pajamas and dances around a flaming AiPT logo whilst sipping that good Ecto-Cooler. (But applications are available upon request.) We’re talking about joining us in the fun. You know, making snarky and witty remarks about comic book panels — because hell, all the cool kids are doing it. (Just us.)
Starting this week, we provide a panel in need of a caption. You, the reader, submit your caption in the comment section below, and AiPT readers vote for their favorite. The captions with the most upvotes wins. Can’t you just feel the excitement?
Grimm Fairy Tales presents Werewolves: The Hunger #3
Written by Mark Miller | Art by Elmer Cantada, JG Miranda
Dave: In the wild, a nut shot is the last thing an animal expects. Hence why it works on werewolves every time.
Sam: Funny how the man “HWUPs” but the werewolf doesn’t make so much as a whimper.
Russ: Only p---y werewolf hunters use silver hunters. The real virile ones just go with ol’ faithful: boot to the testicles.
Jordan: Little Red Riding Hood could stand to learn a thing or two from this guy.
Uncanny X-Force Vol. 2 #9
Written by Sam Humphries | Art by Dalibor Talajic
Dave: It bothers me these two are clones AND also bang. That said, is it weird I’m wondering if their genitals are “compatible”?
Jordan: “Hey! We are trying to have perfectly normal clone sex right now, why must you ruin that?”
Alex: Incesturbation? Awrrright.
Russ: Shyamalan Twist: Fantomex and Lady Fantomex hired her under the heading “Artificially evolved super soldier and female clone LF kinky bitch to stick us up at gunpoint while we knock identical boots. Srs inquires only!!”
Clive Barker’s Next Testament #3
Dave: Let the Merry Go ‘Round of gore spin on. Judges, what do rate some of the more gruesome ones?
Written by Clive Barker, Mark Miller | Art by Goni Montes
Dave: Ouch. 10 out of 10. That’s a slow painful death.
Sam: I mean, why use the floor when you’ve got a perfectly good dead body to walk on?
Russ: “Buh God! Buh God! Those people are stomping a mudhole in her ass and walking it dry! With God as my witness… that woman is broken in half! Oh hell, they left too many shoesole shaped lacerations on the back of her arms and torso, though. That’s gonna cost ’em in the later rounds. 7/10.” — Jim Ross commentary.
Dave: I’m not sure this would even hurt. 8 out of 10.
Jordan: The guy’s not upset that they are terrible dinner guests. He’s just upset no one listen to him or girl when they said the door was lock. I mean, that’s just rude!
Russ: Notice how the guy wearing a powdered wig and 1750s style British infantrymen attire didn’t get blown the f--k up. I’ve unraveled the mystery to this series: Just dress like Master-General Charles Cornwallis and you’ll be just fine.
Dave: Hard to say what is going on here, but I think she’s being cut in half by a huge metal panel. Let’s go 9 out of 10 cuz there’s some confusion.
Sam: Now here’s something to make you question your judgement: You just spent $4 to watch a lady get ripped in half by a giant piece of metal. The way I see it the store should pay you to take this comic off their hands.
Jordan: *Blankly staring at the panel* I’m not sure what just happen, but it looks like it involved tons of red jam.
Russ: AiPT Exclusive Sneak Preview: What Fantomex and Lady Fantomex’s hyper inbred child will look like in the delivery room.
Uncanny X-Men Vol. 3 #9
Written by Brian Bendis | Art by Chris Bachalo
Dave: So… is Cyclops racist?
Jordan: I think he’s slowly becoming racist if anything.
Russ: Shouldn’t this make him both a racist and a speciesist? Just get him own Comedy Central series wherein he makes fun of humans of all colors and creeds. Added bonus: There’s no way his delivery could be as monotone and painfully uncharismatic as Anthony Jeselnik. (Make me famous, friendly ribbing of a name drop.)
Batman Annual #2
Written by Marguerite Bennett | Art by Wes Craig
Dave: Everybody knows snot is green or yellow…and where are the bubbles?!
Sam: Aren’t those the bubbles framing the panels? Or maybe they’re red blood cells? Not sure if I’m creeped out by that… or mortified.
Jordan: “Don’t worry son, you have been avenged! Not by me though, but by some random chick I use to know. It was weird.”
The Wake #3
Written by Scott Snyder | Art by Sean Murphy
Jordan: Let’s give this man a big hand and an arm while we are at, eh folks? How ’bout it?
Russ: Little known fact: Jordan was the writer for that “Not a good time to be losing one’s head” pun sequence in the first Austin Powers film. And yes, he’ll be here all week folks.
Dave: Another little known fact. Bananas are similar to arms. If you don’t use them within a week they just turn to mush.
Patrick: “I swear to God this never happens to me. I can usually keep my arm hard and elevated for hours, baby, honest!”
Amala’s Blade #4
Written by Steve Horton | Art by Michael Dialynas
Dave: Coincidentally, this is a great way to make hamburgers.
Sam: Those are Cajun-style bullets to give the meat a little spice.
Russ: The lone gunman whose weapon is making the “SPKOW” noise — the Amala’s Blade universe version of a hipster.
What If? AVX #4
Dave: Let’s share my favorite deaths from this issue from least brutal to most brutal.
Dave: Brain pinch. Ouch.
Dave: The fact that your own shield cuts you in half? That’s gotta sting the feels.
Jordan: “Hmm… should I bring my metal shield to a fight with a guy who has magnetic powers? Yeah sure, why not? It’s not like this could end badly.”
Dave: Incineration is bad enough, but for everyone to find out your hair is fake? Ain’t no way those locks are real and don’t disintegrate faster than your bones.
Russ: Join us next week when mutant hairstylist extraordinaire David Brooke takes us through the best deep-conditioning salon treatments for your dollar and home remedies made from avocado and Adamantium oil.
Dave: Adamantium, much like carrots, is great for eyesight. Or was that iron? What say you Mags? … Mags?
Jordan: Did you see that coming by any chance?
Patrick: Boy, talk about hittin’ ‘im right between the eyes! Come on! Cut…it…out! ::Pantomimes using scissors ala Joey Gladstone::
Animal Man Annual #2
Written by Jeff Lemire | Art by Travel Foreman
Jordan: I don’t think I like the new direction they’ve taken for Animorphs covers.
Dave: This is an insult to spiders. Contrary to popular belief not all spiders are pregnant and living off of minimum wage! DC is more bigoted than Cyclops.
Russ: Good to see Jeff Lemire isn’t letting what went down in Sam Raimi’s original Spider-Man 3 script go to waste. Talk about efficiency.
Trinity of Sin: Pandora #2
Written by Ray Fawkes | Art by Zander Cannon
Jordan: “And now you blew out my eyeball. Seriously, not cool!”
Dave: DC version of Bishop is just pulling his classic googly-eye prank.
Russ: Finally someone had the testicular fortitude to make a comic book showing the unfavorable conditions of arranged marriages in India.
Panel In Poor Taste Caption Contest
Starting this week week, we provide a panel in need of a caption. You, the reader, submit your caption in the comment section below, and AiPT readers vote for their favorite. The captions with the most upvotes will win, and your panel will be in the August 16th edition of Panels in Poor Taste.
Judge Dredd Year One #4
Written by Matt Smith | Art by Simon Coleby
[Insert your caption in comments below.]