In case you missed Part 1, here it is! Now, on with the show:
The show’s strangeness just continued to ramp up almost exponentially.
Dog: “Could victims of alien abduction become weapons designed to bring humanity to its knees?” I like how this unbiased report puts in plenty of incendiary imagery. Narrator man says aliens may use disease as a weapon. Wait, so AIDS wasn’t invented by Ronald Reagan to kill off the blacks? Forget about the white man, you guys better watch out for the greys.
BJ: I just spit soda everywhere, thanks. I have to clean this mess up, I’ll be right back.
After several minutes of wandering around aimlessly looking for paper towels, BJ has returned to the couch after an undisclosed amount of time (Get paid hourly, Editors don’t need to know).
BJ: Alright, what’d I miss?
Dog: We’re on to another random talking head! Some dude with a 10 cent haircut and caterpillars for eyebrows says there have been two confirmed cases of an unknown virus or bacterium being found in a meteorite. Now they’re just making s--t up. HOLY GOD, they hold the H1N1 virus up as a disease that came from nowhere. It came from pigs, jackhole! That’s why it’s the swine f-----g flu!
BJ: I literally had the flu like last week, did I somehow get abducted and have butt stuff done to me? Dog, look real quick for me and tell me what’s going on back there, bud.
There’s a special guest appearance by UFO celebrity Bill Birnes, who claims the 1917 “Miracle of the Sun” in Fatima, Portugal was actually perpetrated by extraterrestrials.
Dog: This s--t just keeps getting crazier. I feel like Alice in Wonderland and I’ve taken the wrong f-----g potion. The religious experience at Fatima was aliens now? This show is like a menage-a-trois with Finding Bigfoot and Ancient Aliens. Let’s hook eyebrow guy up with overly-tanned pompadour man.
BJ: Speaking ill of Georgio is damn near blasphemy, good sir! He’s a very reputable expert in all things ancient and aliens. Yes indeedy, this show went from asinine to completely unhinged. It’s like the script was written by Dirty Mike and the Boys in their F-Shack, which now that I think about it, explains the hell out of the “butt-stuff”.
The next segment jumps in, claiming that not only are aliens creating diseases, but they’re using our weather patterns as delivery systems.
Dog: Give me a f-----g break; the Spanish flu was caused by aliens because it RAINED THREE MONTHS BEFORE?! And it came out of nowhere? What about all the evidence that it started in France? And guess what; it was another SWINE FLU! Why does this program refuse to acknowledge the existence of pigs? Now who’s covering s--t up?!
BJ: Whoa wait a tick, any show that denies the existence of pigs, yet alone bacon, deserves to be taken off the damn air! This is bullshit!
Dog: Well, there is that nationwide bacon shortage. I apologize to the Unsealed prophets!
Throughout the entirety of this show, they like to reveal the “secret files” being unsealed in a very terribly animated sequence that became a punchline to our writers. Here’s their take on it.
Dog: They keep “unsealing” all these “case files” with the same cabinet graphic made on a Coleco, but everything they come up with is already well known or pulled directly from the imaginations of apparent opium addicts. Where’s all the earth-shattering government admissions? I’m beginning to think … this program has misled us!
BJ: Hahahah! That cabinet graphic looks like it belongs with an “under construction” saw and hammer graphic slapped up on some Geocities website. Yeah, this show should be more like that real documentary from the 90s, called The X-Files. I can’t believe the kind of footage and evidence they found on there. Truly amazing.
The 20 minute program seemed like an eternity for our writers, within the closing seconds of the show, another talking head remarked about how aliens could be affecting the very climate of our planet, its resources, and the lasting impacts it may have on mankind in order to set up the next episode, BJ and Dog did not care in the slightest degree.
Dog: Some asshole says there’s so much evidence that the world is in decline. Ya know, all those strange weather patterns. Obviously not global warming! Aliens! Oh, I get it now; this is really an oil industry lobbyist film! I’m reaching at this point because I’m having a hard time understanding why this accelerating s--t chute of a show exists. Someone please unseal that f-----g secret for me.
BJ: My f----n’ face and sides hurt so much from laughing, this show has damn near broken Dog down to the point of almost flipping tables. It’s glorious! I can’t wait until we tackle another Alien show.
Dog: Sorry, I think I’ll be inspecting my own s--t chute on that day. I’ll beat the little bastards to the punch (fist?) and I blissfully won’t be able to see this leaning tower of bunk anymore.
There you have it folks, Dog would rather give his own scheisse-hole a good fist probing than to watch another episode of Unsealed: Alien Files. As for BJ, well he’s apparently into that butt stuff already so perhaps the two of them could work something out. Catch our crude and masochistic writers next time for another episode of Adventures in Poor TV.
Like what we do here at AIPT? Consider supporting us and independent comics journalism by becoming a patron today! In addition to our sincere thanks, you can browse AIPT ad-free, gain access to our vibrant Discord community of patrons and staff members, get trade paperbacks sent to your house every month, and a lot more. Click the button below to get started!