Justice League United #9
Written by Jeff Lemire | Art by Neil Edwards
Dave: Now we know how Velveeta is made. Gross.
Nick: This is why I don’t eat at Chipotle anymore.
John: When you gotta go, you gotta go!
All-New X-Men #36
Written by Brian Michael Bendis | Art by Mahmud A. Asrar
Dave: Tony Stark’s credo, “Whatever gets you through the day” never quite caught on as strong as Spider-Man’s “With Great Power…”
Dog: She says “ew,” but the way she’s biting her lip says “oooh.”
The Walking Dead #137
Written by Robert Kirkman | Art by Charlie Adlard
Dave: What would you call this? It’s not a tossed salad, but it’s on the opposite side of the body so a…tossed sundae?
Dog: The technical term is “occulingus.”
Nick: I bet Nick Fury’s feeling pretty jealous right about now.
Jordan: Today, I have learned about a brand new fetish… I don’t feel so good now…
Spider Woman #4
Written by Dennis Hopeless | Art by Greg Land
Dave: So tell me what you want what you really really want. I just hope it’s not zigazig ha.
Nick: Little does Anya know that in Spider-Gwen’s world, Eminem killed Dazzler with a lethal mic drop.
Dog: So that’s how disco died.
Jordan: I think Silk just aged twenty years or something…
Written by David Hine | Art by Gabriel Rearte
Dog: No amount of Old English furniture polish will fix this.
Dave: I love how there’s blood everywhere but on the sword.
Nick: If she starts licking his eye I’m done.
John: She is going to go for the neck!
Jordan: I honestly don’t get why you wanted me to remove your head! It seems like it would be a problem for you or something personally.
Conan Red Sonja #2
Written by Gail Simone, Jim Zub | Art by Dan Panosian
Dog: How does she know it’s blood? Maybe Sonja keeps raspberry jam in her gauntlets.
Dave: Maybe it’s just me but with the butt flaps and sensual blood licking I think this comic is a tad exploitative of women.
Nick: After that whole eye licking thing, putting tongue to blade doesn’t seem so bad.
Jordan: Yeah, her blood is sweet because of all the blood SUGAR in it! hahahahahaha! I’m so clever!
Rachel Rising #31
Written by and drawn by Terry Moore
Dave: Sexual education is different in Canada…
Dog: Masturbate, you go blind; have sex, you birth the anti-Christ. What’s the punishment for wet dreams? A small country is wiped out by scarlet fever?
Jordan: …meh, I’ve had stranger dreams. I’m unimpressed.
Nick: I think it’s really cool they’re doing an origin story for Jenny McCarthy’s mom.
Guardians 3000 #5
Written by Dan Abnett | Art by Gerardo Sandoval
Dave: Does the blue girl need to vacuum bag herself into that thing? If so what temp do we set the Sous-vide to?
Jordan: It’s nice that in the future superhero costumes still have nice and useful boob socks in their outfits.
Nick: I had a fart once that sounded like that.
Army of Darkness #3
Written by Cullen Bunn | Art by Larry Watts
Dave: I love how the head just sort of floats there in the last panel.
Nick: Okay seriously, what is the deal with the licking and decapitated head motif this week? Is there something you’d like to talk about with us, David?
John: I’m still wondering why the two women didn’t turn to stone…
Transformers vs. G.I. JOE #5
Written by Cullen Bunn | Art by Larry Watts
Dave: When being strangled by tentacles is a “gosh-darned red letter day” for you you’ve got some major sex issues you should be working out with your psychologist.
Dog: Speaking of wet dreams, I think Mattel just toasted a load over the thought of this crossover.
Nick: Pictured: What quite a bit of fiction would have looked like if H.P Lovecraft lived in the 1990’s.
John: I think Snake and Duke need to lay off the hash if they are conjuring up Robothulhus.
Amazing Spider-Man #14
Written by Dan Slott | Art by Olivier Coipel and Giuseppe Camuncoli
Dave: Pigs: allergic to pants since 1935 (the year Porky the Pig was created).
Dog: This panel not approved by the Comics Code Authority. Or the National Pork Board.
Nick: Hey Peter Porker–where’s the beef?
John: Pretty sure that is a clenched fist and not a hoof…guess that stage of evolution happened when I wasn’t looking.
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