Detective Comics #40
By Francis Manapul and Brian Buccellato
Dave: Who wants candy corn!?
Dog: Must be hard to eat when you’ve got guitar picks for teeth.
Russ: Macaulay Culkin can’t catch a damn break, can he? (Excluding his front tooth, that is.)
Rat Queens #9
Written by Kurtis J. Wiebe | Art by Stjepan Sejic
Dave: If you think about it the penis is a very inefficient tool. It’s severely limited in its uses. I can only think of two off the top of my head: shovel and baby maker.
Dog: What awful spell is this, the Blue Balls of Bilthagor?
Russ: Maybe she’d have an easier time casting, oh, I dunno… while not in full-on cowgirl?
Russ’ brain: COITUS INTERRUPTUS!
God Hates Astronauts #6
Written and Art by Ryan Browne
Dave: If you “de-crab!” like this at Red Lobster they give you a free helping of cinnamon bread!
Dog: Oh sure, as soon as they give Nick Fury a horseshoe crab head in the movies, he HAS to have one in the comics, too.
Revival #28
Written by Tim Seeley | Art by Mike Norton
Dave: Ladies, don’t you hate it when they have fish breath? Or worse, whole-fish-in-mouth syndrome?
Dog: Looks like she tried to suck that guy’s dentures out. No wonder she’s puking up Poligrip.
Russ: Second weirdest thing I’ve seen happen after watching a girl swap spit with a hobo.
Dark Engine #5
Written by Ryan Burton | Art by John Bivens
Dave: Stop beating around the bush Mr Burton, “ruinous liquid” is poop. Call it what it is or get out!
Dog: It’s a little known fact that the original flood myth was written by German scat fetishists. They had to sanitize it for the mass market.
Russ: Who knew the Church of Fudge creators’ next project would be so ambitious? Dog knew.
EGOs #6
Written by Stuart Moore | Art by Gus Storms
Dave: Can’t they get a pan for that guy? He’s dripping everywhere!
Dog: Maybe the EMTs could have saved him if they took off their Red Cross bondage hoods.
’68 Jungle Jim: Guts‘N’Glory (One-Shot)
Written by Mark Kidwell | Art by Jeff Zornow
Dave: Edward Scissorhands would have been an excellent soldier in Vietnam.
Dog: So the Viet Cong were really rogue, 1920s newspaper boys? And we still lost?
Russ: “Extra! Extra! Get yer papers here! Nguyen Cao Ky’s mustache tames herd of water buffa– OH SWEEET MOTHER OF JESUS MY FACE! FUCKKKKK!”
Nailbiter/Hack/Slash (One Shot)
Written by Joshua Williamson and Tim Seeley | Art by Mike Henderson and Emilio Laiso
Dave: Never say you have an itch or the dentist will pull out one of these. I’ve seen it a thousand times!
Dog: Razorblade brushing isn’t always enough for tough bacteria build-up, so be sure to rinse with battery acid after.
Russ: Thirteen years later Williamson and Seeley capitalize on that blazing hot Dr. Giggles craze.
Crossed Badlands #73
Written by David Hine | Art by Nahuel Lopez
Dave: Josie and the pussycats got really dark in its final season.
Dog: The lion’s doctor told him it’s healthier to take the skin off before eating.
Russ: Aslan says, “Bitch! Gimme yo face, Lucy” in the gritty reboot of C.S. Lewis’ beloved high-fantasy yarn. (Must be read in Liam Neeson’s voice.)
Saga #26
Written by Brian K. Vaugn | Art by Fiona Staples
Dave: This calls for a blowjob PSA. Just think of the children who’ll lose a perfectly good resolution over this mistake!
Dog: I love to get some jagged, smoking head. It’s like watching the Paris Hilton sex tape all over again.
