It’s Christmas season, and that can only mean two things – the Cleveland Browns are comfortably in last place, and JJ Abrams is about to unload another steaming pile of lens-flared garbage onto unsuspecting audiences everywhere. In 2013, JJ Abrams gave us Star Trek: Into Darkness — a low-budget, family-friendly tale about a Vulcan who just wanted to get laid. As our holiday gift this year, Abrams steps it up a notch and gives us something completely and totally different than STAR Trek … STAR Wars.
Now don’t get me wrong, I loved the prequels as much as anybody, but do we really need another Star Wars? It’s been eight years since Natalie Portman died horribly while giving childbirth to Anakin’s bastard son and, goddammit, that’s how I want to remember Star Wars.
True patriots who watch Sean Hannity and root for the Imperials to preserve the Empire against the Rebel confederacy have touched on this, but the casting of Star Wars is truly offensive and horrifying. The heroes of Force Awakens are played by John Boyega, Lupita Nyong’o, and Oscar Isaac–not fine people like Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher. Don’t see a big deal? Well look closer. If you do, you’ll notice that those people have one thing in common: they’re not … American! Really says something about how America’s gone down the tubes: Under Reagan, we used Star Wars to defend America against communism, whereas under Obama, Americans can’t even get a role in a large blockbuster film. Jobs creator my midichlorian-filled ass …
Most importantly, Force Awakens suffers from the same problem as other Star Wars films – a total lack of promotion. Look, I don’t doubt that Force Awakens might be a decent film to rent on a lazy Tuesday, but why hasn’t Disney done a freaking thing to market it? We all know that Star Wars is facing stiff competition from the new Alvin in the Chipmunks movie and the latest feminazi propaganda by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. but Disney should at least give Star Wars a chance to compete in the marketplace.
Don’t believe me? Well, there are two glaring examples that illustrate Disney’s laughable lack of cross-promotion:
Exhibit A: In the latest tampon commercial I saw, two women were running around in a water fountain laughing as the hepatitis-infested water streamed into their orifices. BORING! Now call me old-fashioned … but I find that disgusting. Why not have a more male-friendly commercial about tampons where the women turn their used tampons into lightsabers? All I know is that awkward first talk with your teenage daughter would turn into fun for the whole family! My male rights activist group will be hearing about this …
Exhibit B: a certain condom company (rhymes with shmTROJAN), recently ran a commercial where a cute couple made love while listening to Drake. Wake me up when it’s over! Why not spice it up with some real dialogue and complex storylines?
If Disney had any idea how to market, they would have used my latest Trojan condom fan-fiction for this commercial:
[SCENE – a couple snuggling on a bed (or bathroom stall at KFC) after making furious love.]
WOMAN: Wow Luke, that was amazing.
MAN: Thanks Sally…
WOMAN: Umm, my name’s not Sally, it’s Leia…
MAN: Leia?! Wow, that’s my sister’s name!
[The woman just laughs.]
MAN: Wait … you’re not my sis–
WOMAN: Don’t worry about it! You wore the official Jango Fett condom! When you use an official Star Wars condom, it’s just like having sex in outer space… and incest doesn’t exist in outer space!
MAN: Oh yeah … I guess that does make sense. Wanna go for another round?
WOMAN: Only if you make sure to wear an official Count Dooku rubber! I don’t want people to start thinking we were born in Alabama or something!
[They both share a laugh.]
I sent this script over to Disney, and in an unexpected turn of events, those bastards never responded. I guess the force just isn’t strong enough with some people.
How much should it make:
Look guys, an optimist I am. But even I have to admit that, given its total lack of promotion by Disney, and the lack of a strong American lead, Force Awakens is doomed to fail. While it might make enough money to beat Sisters, there’s no doubt it gets crushed by Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Road Chip. In conclusion, I predict that Force Awakens will make a paltry $1.1 million, or less than the tuition to JJ Abrams’ Lens Flare Academy.