The last installment of the fictional WrestleMania cards. I was only able to come up with nine matches and that’s probably a good thing, or else the terrier from Russell Madness versus Zeus would’ve been a match booked on this card.
9. The Lover (The One and Only) vs. The Foul King (The Foul King)
Heart against pomp and circumstance. While both wrestlers come up short when it comes to actual wrestling ability, The Foul King has the edge over The Lover due to his willingness to fight dirty and never-say-die attitude. The Lover, on the other hand, is a showboat who also relies on cheap tactics, but is not as “technically sound” in the ring. Yes, I’m getting the piss-break match out of the way first. Good luck holding it in.
8. Fighting Chief (Requiem for a Heavyweight) vs. Kid Salami (Paradise Alley)
An old school exhibition match. Fighting Chief looks to make a successful transition from boxer to wrestler as he takes on the undefeated Kid Salami. The Chief has the size advantage, but the Kid, despite the name, has the experience factor working for him. Kid Salami will have to capitalize on the Chief’s battered and broken down body, but one slip up and he might catch a knockout punch that will put him down for good.
7. Captain Insano (The Water Boy) vs. President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho (Idiocracy)
One’s a captain and the other is the President of the United States of a bleak and distant future. This battle of the All-Americans will be an all-out brawl. You can expect little wrestling skill and a whole lot of punching and kicking in this one. President Camacho is one of the strongest wrestlers, but Captain Insano is also the largest athlete. Camacho will have to use his speed to tire out the giant if he plans to veto his attempt to win. If Insano can corner Camacho and keep him from moving around then he may come out the winner and ultimate U.S. flag bearer.
6. The Masked Saint (The Masked Saint) vs. El Mascarado (Wrestlemaniac)
Heaven and hell collide inside the demonic structure that is “Hell in a Cell”! The evangelical vigilante, The Masked Saint, goes toe-to-toe with the masked maniac, El Mascarado. The Saint is no stranger to fighting foes posing as human representations of death, but The Reaper is no El Mascarado. El Mascarado is a nightmare come true who has straight-up murdered people. That’s right. If The Masked Saint plans on winning and destroying the evil that is El Mascarado he’ll have to break one of The Ten Commandments himself.
5. Jimmy King (Ready to Rumble) vs. Mad Bull (Mad Bull)
Both men have something to prove here. Jimmy King has been on a quest to rebuild his reputation as the top wrestler in parallel universe WCW, whereas the Mad Bull has gone from despised heel to beloved babyface in one of the greatest double turns in cinematic wrestling history. Mad Bull has finally made his way to the main event, and there’s no better way to prove he belongs than by toppling wrestling royalty. Will the Mad Bull be able to usurp the throne, or will he get crowned via Jimmy King’s flying double axe handle?
4. Revolting Blob (Billy Madison) vs. Nacho (Nacho Libre)
With their masks on the line in a lucha de apuestas, you can be sure that the Revolting Blob will stoop to new lows to get the win. Nacho has defeated the greatest luchador in Mexico, Ramses, but has never gone up against a wrestler who has actually killed a man inside the ring. Nacho will have to keep to the air with his acrobatic lucha style in order to avoid the Revolting Blob’s wrath. If the Blob manages to sit on Nacho’s head, then it’s lights out. For good.
3. Rose (Les Reines du Ring) vs. Magnificent Mimi (American Angels)
Rose has only had one official pro wrestling match, but given that Magnificent Mimi has had her troubles in the past with rookies, Rose will prove to be a worthy opponent. That, and Rose was once in jail for murder! (What’s with all these murderous wrestlers?) Despite being the best women’s wrestler in the cinematic wrestling world, Mimi’s pride is her biggest enemy. She’ll have to keep her ego in check if she hopes to keep Rose from pulling an upset. Rose may not have any wins under her belt, but it took four luchadoras, two of which were heavyweights, to pin her shoulders to the mat.
2. Rip Thomas (No Holds Barred) vs. Thunderlips (Rocky III)
The ultimate showdown between Terry Bollea’s superego and id. The defender of all things good, the righteous Rip Thomas takes on “The Ultimate Male” Thunderlips. These hulking giants will square off in a “Loser Leaves Hollywood” match. Both are world champions in their respective federations, but while Thunderlips has been performing in wrestler vs. boxer charity bouts, Rip has been literally killing black wrestlers (More murder!). Rip needs to be stopped. The more likely scenario that will play out involves Rip and Thunderlips falling in love with each other and combining to form ThunderRip, the most egotistical wrestler of all time who can’t distinguish between real life and make-believe.
1. Bonesaw McGraw (Spider-Man) vs. Randy “The Ram” Robinson (The Wrestler)
Both wrestlers are a bit past their prime, but have proven countless times that they can still go in the ring. Whether it be hardcore or cage matches, these veteran grapplers can wrestle in any type of match. All the more reason for them to wrestle in a regular one-on-one, winner-take-all match. Bonesaw will have to steer clear of Randy’s Ram Jam and keep him grounded if he hopes to beat him. The Ram must stay on his toes and keep an eye out for Bonesaw’s trouble-making valets and any foreign objects that might make their way into the ring. They might start the match slow trading holds, but it won’t take long before this match turns into the proverbial slobberknocker. It’s hard to say who’ll come out on top, but expect a five-star classic and a 94% Rotten Tomato score from these two.
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