The Biggest Party of the Summer has come and gone and everyone is hung over. It’s the Raw after SummerSlam and the thunder just won’t stop in the THUNDERDOME! Not to mention that we are one week away from yet another PPV: Payback.
- Will Snek Man Randy Orton seek D. Mac for a rematch, or will D. Mac once again prove he’s Scotland’s preeminent honey badger?
- Have we seen the last of Seth Rollins’ torment of the Mysterio family?
- How will Raw Underground adapt to the ThunderDome?
- Will Demi from The Bachelor be allowed to leave the Performance Center?
- What will Jay make for dinner?
With uncertainty looming, Jay and Jason will bring you the answers you may ever so mildly be curious about.
Jason: First off, holy hell with the fireworks? I guess when you don’t have an actual audience in attendance you can blow the whole damn room up to start the show.
Jay: It’s the only way to start an event in the ThunderDome. The dome demands such gravitas and it was spectacular. ThunderDome saves.
Jason: THUNDERDOME saves…money on sound editors, because it’s just a uniform din of crowd malaise rather than organic or even affected pops and dips. Drew’s out here cutting his version of a “Hard Times” promo but the crowd noise is the same pitch and cadence as if he were describing his lunch this afternoon. This is a WWE 2K crowd, not a solution to the awkwardness of the PC. And just like WWE 2K, they’re fighting back into Gorilla position to prove that things are serious.
And judging by how bad Randy whiffed on that punt to Big Mac, tonight’s Raw is running on the WWE 2K20 engine.
Jay: You know, that’s the truest burn you’ve ever dropped. Raw has been running a 2K sim and which explains, well, everything. The nonsensical storylines, the off-kilter match-ups, the questionable wrestling, and Demi from The Bachelor. We were thinking Raw was delirious in the past few weeks, but could it be Raw is happening in a simulated reality? Are all of us in a simulated reality?
Jason: Speaking of sweet burns, check Shayna calling Nia fat by name dropping the late Haystacks Calhoun. If Vince McMahon or one of the other old fogies in the back isn’t responsible for that line I’ll eat a plate of okra. Unless I’m wrong and kids these days are cutting savage burns by comparing their friends to Adorable Adrian Street.
Jay: Such good sh*t. I called my co-worker Happy Humphrey this morning when he was taking too long with the Keurig. He called out sick to tend to the burn. But I’m not so sure Vince is calling the shots anymore as Baszler comes out to fight Bayley.
Jason: Well, hold the phone, are we getting Nia and Shayna challenging the Golden Role Models for the tag belts on Sunday? Are they already dropping the tertiary storyline of the women’s division to further the Sasha/Bayley split?
Jay: Well, I think it’s a great move. You have to get the belts off Bayley and Sasha to trigger the schism anyhow and Bazler and Nia team would be fresh and exciting. It worked wonders for The Bar and that Raw tag team division back in 2016, so no reason why it can’t work now. But now that I think of it, the 2K games did often pull stuff like this with people in feuds in the Career Mode. Hmmm.
Jason: Aleister Black’s new character – Man afraid of stairs! Man with poor depth perception! Satanic beta cuck!
Jason: He can come out to “Simp-athy for the Devil”!
Jay: Jokes aside, Lucicuck remains one of the WWE’s most baffling mishandlings. He’s fantastic in the ring and has a ready-made character that their key demographics would latch onto. Anyone who responded to Jeff Hardy, CM Punk, Edge, Finn Balor, or The Undertaker would latch onto Black considering his vague, gothic/emo/alternative sensibilities. His promos wouldn’t even have to make sense. Just trot him out and growl some stuff about demons and the dark side and we’re good to go.
Jason: Well, he’s a weenie now. Next time we see him he’ll be asking Frank Thomas about his workouts.
Jay: That broke the Geneva Convention with its savagery. Watch out, Zelina might poison you.
Jason: I have it on good authority that she’ll like it too. In the mean time, they’re having an actual match for the roll-up title. I mean it wasn’t much of one and it did indeed end with a rollup, but how about that. Real matches for this stupid thing.
Jay: Joke all you want, but it’s the most consistently booked angle in WWE. They’ve kept up with it for over a year. It’s stupid but it’s an entertaining, versatile plot point that has given so many lower carders something to do. You have not given a damn about Akira Tozawa till he stormed Raw with NINJA POWER.
Jason: Hey, I watched 205 Live for that first year…before it became obvious that they weren’t doing anything serious with the cruisers and it was as pointless as watching Main Event. Still, I’ve always liked Tozawa! Especially when he stole Dick Togo’s finsher.
Aww, Randy’s entrance tron has a little snek spitting up on him as he walks through the curtain. Cute. Is Randy cutting this promo to the wrong camera?
Jay: Forget the camera Jason – Keith M’fin Lee is picking a fight with Orton. I’m pissed they changed his music but f*ck it, let’s do this.
Jason: Seriously, what was wrong with Limitless? Not a fan of his new gear either, but glad he’s starting at the top. And OH MY GOD DEMI MADE IT OUT OF THE PC! AND SHE’S INTERACTING WITH CHARLIE CARUSO WITH GARZA RIGHT THERE? MASS HYSTERIA! DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER!
Jay: Not only has Demi been freed, but she’s taking center stage with Angel Garza as Andrade, yes Andrade Flair, is taking a back seat to them. Try to explain this to me without using the words, “glitch in the simulation.” Something sinister stirs in the ThunderDome.
Jason: Is that glitch that it’s still raining solo cups in the THUNDERDOME?
At least we know that we’ve got the Underground coming up.
Jay: The question is then, can the THUNDERDOME contain Raw UNDERGROUND?
Jason: It better be able to — Ivar’s fighting Dolph later and I’m now rooting for the Showoff, seeing as the viking just stole my boy Garza’s lady with his turkey leg. I guess Demi just couldn’t resist his meat.
Hey a six-woman tag where I like all six women? Dare I dream that this match goes longer than three minutes and doesn’t end with the Iiconics getting embarrassed?
Jay: Dream, my friend, dream. I have hope considering there are two storylines intertwined in this segment. Where do you think the Riott Squad reunion will go?
Jason: One would imagine a tag title run at some point. They’re the only actual face TEAM in the women’s division, so you gotta assume they will get the belts off some transitional heels at some point. Either that or just let Bianca win the tag belts on her own. Short of Shayna or maybe Nia, I don’t think anyone can stand up to the EST.
Jay: It could go the other way and have Ruby turn on Liv again. Overall, I hate tag team breakups because all parties are typically worse off for it. You rarely get a Shawn Michaels out of it, and The Shield situation has literally only happened once. There is money though in having Ruby betray Liv again and finally have them have their proper feud.
Jason: I’m not as into that. Yeah I like Ruby as a solo act, but we already saw this split and feud and it SUUUUUUUCKED.
Oh hey, looks like Lashley has supplanted MVP as CEO of the Hurt Business. I hope it wasn’t a hostile takeover, and MVP has just been moved into an HR position or something. It would explain why he’s asking everybody he shares the screen with to join up. Maybe P got fired for making those ugly-ass shirts. Lashley out here looking like every dude I went to high school with that became a club promoter. Also how many arm wrestling competitions has Bobbo entered in since returning to the WWE? This is at least the second.
Jay: I went to do laundry cause I figured it would be more interesting than an arm wrestling contest. Have those ever been successful in progressing an angle? But I think Lashley has always been in the C-Suite for The Hurt Business.
There are many jokes I can make regarding Rey and Dominik right now. I could make so many ha-ha’s about how Rey just mentioned Dominik became a man and such but I’m not. This is scripted but also a very real moment for a family. I’ll abstain from throwing shade. For now.
Jason: See? And I got up to get some water when I saw that Rey and Dominik were cutting a promo because I knew I wasn’t missing anything. $5 says we see this same tag match between the Mysterios and Godly Buddy on Sunday at Payback.
Well now I feel like I wasted my errand when I could have avoided Natty and Lana. Speaking of avoiding Lana, her ex-husband Bobbo wants into Shane McMahon’s smoky closet! Honestly though, I’d be interested to see a Ziggles/Lashley shoot given both guys’ real life pedigrees rather than this formless scuffle. Spider needs to get a handle on things.
Jay: Real talk, they can’t tease us like that. I wanted to see that fight. It’s like I say every week, they need to commit to Raw Underground or not do it at all. Either roll with it and make it a focal point of the show that can affect angles or just get rid of it. The 24/7 Title right now has more continuity and consistency.
Jason: Jeez, the theme song was one thing, but what the hell is this gear they threw on Keith Lee? I wasn’t a huge fan of the bicycle shorts either, but the compression T and skort combo is not the look of a main eventer. And make no mistake, Lee could and should be a main eventer…but it’s clear the WWE doesn’t agree based on that debut.
WOOF. I’m so sad for Keith Lee, his first match ended in a DQ when it was clear he was about to lose, all in order to push another feud. Would it have been so bad for Drew to distract Randy long enough for Lee to hit the BBC and score a pin on a big name on his first night?
Jay: I share your qualms, but I’m choosing to remain optimistic. He’s a charismatic big guy at the end of the day and characters like his tend to succeed. Agreed, his presentation kind of sucked tonight, but that’s an easy thing to fix.
And D. Mac got kicked in the skull – AGAIN! And Charly is using her quiet, solemn voice as their “medical team” said he could have a skull fracture and “brain bleeding.” Sigh. I’m not going to dignify it with a response.
Jason: He’s just a little concussed. He’s still good! HE’S STILL GOOD! Yeah, WWE should really know better than to run a CTE angle in this day and age. Then again, whoever accused the brand of being an arbiter of good taste?
So, kayfabe here, why would Shayna and Nia get a tag title match just because they agreed to be a team? Going back to an earlier point, there’s a babyface women’s team in the middle of a friendship redemption storyline that would work pretty well when contrasted with, oh I don’t know, a friendship dissolution story?
Jay: They’re scared Nia would injure someone in a singles matches and feuds? I guess they figure Baszler can be her chaperone?
So place your bets. Is this the blow-off match to this whole Rollins/Mysterio saga or will it lead to more eye gouging and torture?
Jason: Oh as I mentioned earlier, I’m betting we get this same exact tag match on Sunday at Payback.
Jay: Likely, but how?
Jason: Hold up, did they, like, forget they were doing Underground tonight? Every one of these segments has been more lackluster than the last, and suddenly we’re going into them mid-angle? Why the hell was Cedric Alexander there? Did he just wander into this smokey practice room and just decide he wanted to get his ass beat by Bobby Lashley with no build? How am I more upset about this than you? AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS?
Jay: See above. See my rant last week. See my rant the week before last. They have to make it a fixture or it’s going to peter out. I was actually interested in all the “fights” this week. Cedric makes sense. It gives the Viking Raiders and Dolph Ziggler something to do. And The Hurt Business have a ready made way to get their heat back after getting trounced by Apollo Crews as if they were Team Rocket. But it needs to be given more time and used more as a hub as an origin and branch points for storylines.
Jason: Also, this is how you set up the same tag match on Sunday. Have the underdogs net a cheeky win and the heels demand satisfaction..
Or perhaps I spoke too soon. I forgot all about RETRIBUTION. Looks like they added a few larger dudes this week. Good for them.
Jay: I think we all forgot about RETRIBUTION. This will be the focal point of storylines for the fall till we get the blow-off in an elimination tag match at Survivor Series. Till then, enjoy the randomness.
Anything else you want to get off your chest, Jason?
Jason: #MakeKeithLeeGreatAgain That’s about it.
Jay: Haha. Same time next week?
Jason: Same Slack time, sam Slack Channel!
Jay: We need better things to do with our Mondays. Later!
We never told you all what Jay made for dinner. It was string beans and an omelette. We felt the need to tell you because it was more interesting than whatever happened tonight and we need to give you all … something?
Anyway, we didn’t really appreciate Raw tonight, but what did you all think? Is there hope for The Underground? Is Aleister Black a Beelzecuck or can he rebound? Does anyone care about RETRIBUTION yet? Let us know in the comments below and hit us up on the Twitter thing.
See you next Monday!
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