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WWE ‘Raw’ is more enjoyable when you can’t actually watch it

Wait…we’ve got it: Demi from ‘The Bachelor’ is behind RETRIBUTION!

Another week, another PPV, and another Raw. Jay and Jason are back to break down the Raw after Payback but this time – they’re doing it BLIND. 

That’s right, due to technical difficulties with the USA App, Jay can’t watch Raw and he’s at the mercy of Jason’s narration of the night’s events. But there are always obstacles on the path to greatness. Join us as Jay takes a voyage into the darkness to find out if:

  • Will Keith Lee get his groove back after losing his music?
  • Will RETRIBUTION finally find a way back into the Thunder Dome?
  • Will Demi find the strength to open her heart to love again with Ivar? 
  • Will The Hurt Business lose a tag team match again and use Raw Underground to get their heat back?

Jay: Jason, dammit. The stupid USA App isn’t working. I’ve been messing around with it for like 20 minutes. I’m not sure I can watch Raw tonight. What are we going to do?

Jason: WE’RE DOIN’ IT BLIND! Using the one working (legal) app I have to watch Raw I’ll be relating what happens on Raw to Jay for the lulz. Now sure, we’ve already missed the opening Orton Promo, the inevitable interruption from Keith Lee, and the even more inevitable Keith Lee vs. Dolph Ziggler match (he was just called up from NXT after all), but we’re just in time to catch…a promo parade from Mickie James, Natty and Lana arguing over who should face Asuka….maybe it’s better that you can’t see this.

Jay: So you’re going to narrate it to me? How do I know you’ll tell the truth? You might say something like, “OMG Demi just won the Women’s Title” and I’ll have to go with it. But then again, Dolph does get super mad whenever an NXT call-up happens so I buy it.

Jason: He just wants to “steal the show,” you know? And you do that by fighting and losing to the person who, in kayfabe, the fewest people know about. Speaking of which, it looks like Mickie is going to be the next challenger for Asuka – after she and the Empress team up to fight NataLana.

Jay: Can you imagine having a nickname since 2011 and never stopping to define exactly what that nickname means? No wonder Dolph seems kind of dead inside when he’s talking about wrestling. And Asuka has been through a lot. She fought and bested any reputable women’s wrestler and it seems NataLana will be her gravest challenge yet.

Jason: Maybe Thunder Rosa will stroll in and fight her after she loses to Shida at All Out. It does seem like all of the most talented women are currently spoken for elsewhere. There are no mountains left for Asuka to climb. A clean win over Charlotte would be nice, but let’s be real here…actually scratch that, there’s only one woman who can challenge Asuka, and she’s back again: IT’S DEMI FROM THE BACHELOR! And she’s progressed to chaste kisses on Ivar’s cheek!

Jay: Thunder Rosa in the ThunderDome is too much thunder. And wait, what? Demi is challenging Asuka. I was just kidding earlier. 

Jason: No no, she’s fulfilling the typical female role on this show: she’s a prop for the burgeoning feud between two male Superstars. In this case, Angel Garza and Ivar of the Viking Raiders. We also got a nothing match between Lana and Mickie James. 

Oh, intrigue, Snakeman Randy Orton just slithered out of Aleister Black’s closet! Evidently Orton is facing Kevin Owens in a minute with the winner being entered into a triple threat match that will determine the #1 challenger for the WWE title at Clash of Champions. INTRIGUE! $5 says you can guess where this is going.

Jay: Why you gotta do Demi like that? That’s no way to talk to the next Raw Women’s Champion. Shame on you Jason. She’s probs training day and night considering she lives in the Performance Center. Just wait, she’s going to work her way up the ranks through Raw Underground.

And dammit, Snakeman. I wanted to see Aleister progress along his heel turn. His lack of a push is the most baffling thing about Raw right now, and that includes the ninjas, RETRIBUTION, and the illegal fight club.

Jason: Well, you’ll be happy to hear that your girls the Riott Squad are facing the IIconics with a chance at the tag titles on the line. Oh snap, but the losing team needs to disband…and the IIconics are cutting a promo complete with flashback photos….oh god, they’re breaking up the IIconics…

Jay: You’re lying to me. I don’t believe you. They can’t do this. There’s too much turmoil in the world. We need both these teams. 

Jason: It does seem super arbitrary, and like how do you enforce that? “You two can no longer be friends!” This is a world where I can get a title match by spilling coffee on a dude with a belt….annnnnd Al Black is out here kicking Owens’ ass before his match with Snakeman. He’s a little woozy but still hitting Black Mass on KO before the match even starts. KO says he can still fight, hits a good chop on Randy but then eats the RKO to advance Randy to the #1 contender triple threat. The final match for that triple threat, btw, will be between Seth Rollins – and DOMINIK BY GOD MYSTERIO.

Rey Mysterio out here cutting a promo with the whole family out here. I’m talking Dom, Moms and WWE Superstar Aaliyah!

Jay: The arbitrary-ness or whatever is why I think you’re lying. Thus is the danger of watching Raw blind. I don’t believe you. And, why is Aleister Black fighting KO after Orton attacked him. Last week we confirmed he was Beelzecuck but now he’s also stupid?

Jason: Wait, when did Randy attack Al Black?

Jay: You said something about Orton coming out of his locker room all ominously or something you unreliable narrator. 

Jason: Nah man, Orton was in Al’s closet to get him to beat up KO before big Kev fought the sneaky snake. Al simped hard for the Legend Killer, kicked Owens’ ass, then threw him into the ring where Randy RKOd him and won.

Jay: So he’s a simp and a cuck? Aleisimp? A part of me is glad I can’t see what he’s begun. Being blind to Raw may be a mercy.

Jason: I think so? I’d jump on Urban Dictionary to find out the difference between them, but THAT site is an unreliable narrator. Anyway, back in the Dome it’s time for the VIP Lounge, where Bob E. Lashley is out to gloat about his US Title. Sounds like Apollo is fighting Shelty B in the Underground later. In the meantime, the Hurt Business is having a 6-man tag against Ced and the Vikings.

Jay: Lashley needs to go Full Lashley and call someone a Bathturd.

Jason: Sadly, I think Finlay was furloughed. Though now the Hurt Business is taking their workplace frustrations out on Cedric. I really hope dude leaves and heads abroad or to AEW. I would love to see Ced do more than just get stomped by “more important” characters. And just as I said that, Ced gets a rollup pin on MVP and calls off his boys before they wreck him post-match. They’re doing the heavy tease for Alexander breaking bad.

OH MY GOD….this is going to sound like a lie….but I promise you I’ve never been so serious…Titus O’Neil….is competing IN THE UNDERGROUND!

Jay: Do you think he’s going to trip off the mat? I wish he would just break bad already though. Cedric could be awesome as a heel.

Jason: Well scratch what we saw before the break, because we cut back to Ced getting beaten down into the Hurt Business. But I can’t care about that now…it’s the IIconics vs. the Riott Squad..who now have matching entrance gear…Oh god, I’m not ready to say goodbye to Billie and Peyton…Commentary will ONLY talk about the IIconics breaking up too. This is a stupid ass storyline. Either they break up the one true tag team in the women’s tag team division or they swerve us and break up the team they JUST got back together last month.

Jay: Wait, people on the Twittah machine say the USA App is up and running. Let me check if comes on. I’m not sure I want to see this match though. Tis painful. 

Jason, I’m in I think. It’s loading.

Jason: No Jay, wait! Don’t….

Jay: Damn, look at Ruby and Billie trading pins you know, I’ve always said and OH MY GOD NO. No. Jason. 

Jason: Oh Jay….I’m so sorry you had to see that…This..uh….this is a dark day for wrestling…oh god.

Jay: WHAT DID I JUST SEE. JASON. WHAT THE F*CK.  There is only pain here. Being blind to Raw was a mercy.

 Jason: ….and now you’ve got to watch Seth Rollins vs. Dominik…

Jay: I’m turning it off and throwing my Fire Stick out. 

Jason: Don’t make me face this alone. You’re the Peyton to my Billie. I know I’m not getting the singles push. No one’s gonna care when I recap the next five dozen Dominik vs. Seth promo packages.

Jay: *sniffles* That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. We both deserve singles pushes. Fine, I’ll do it for us and for AIPT.

Jason: So this is totally building to the Seth vs. Murphy feud, right? Where Buddy beats Seth and sends him off to paternity leave with a loss?

Jay: We’re about four months from that, though? I really can’t watch a feud between them for four months.

Jason: I mean this Rollins/Mysterio family feud has been going on for like eight years right? What’s four months of eight-minute Murphy matches?

Jay: Do you think Muphy will get music in that 4 months that isn’t background noise from No Mercy on the N64? 

At least Rollins won. So the main event is Orton vs. Lee vs. Rollins? That’s actually kind of solid.

Jason: Aw man, I get up for a minute and I come back to Titus O’Neil getting dropped by the weak half of a tag team with Mojo Rawley? Shoot, the weak half of a tag team with Tino Sabatelli? Ah well, yeah we got a triple threat tonight that I assume Randy wins by pinning Seth. Who you got?

Jay: Titus looked great though! This is what Underground can be used for if they just placed more emphasis on it dammit. 

I think they’ll swerve us with Keith Lee taking it and leading to a Triple Threat at Clash of Champions.

Jason: Yeah yeah, that’s great and all, but the real star of the show just walked out – it’s DEMI-PALOOZA IN THE THUNDERDOME!

Jay: I thought you said she was with Ivar? 

Jason: That’s the beautiful thing, SHE WAS! Soon she’ll also be with Andrade! And Murphy! And Shayna Baszler! All Demi-related angles all the time!

Jay: You think she’s in line for a Mania push?

Jason: Demi/Rousey for the Universal title. Calling it now.

Jay: You think Demi leads RETRIBUTION?

Jason: Evidently so, since she and Garza are the only ones who got out of that unscathed. It seems RETRIBUTION attacked all of the camera mens’ zoom buttons too, so even the audience at home could feel attacked.

Jay: You know who uses close up shots? Reality television. You know who knows reality television all too well? Demi. This makes sense. She’s not just hanging out at the PC, she’s infiltrating it and now she’s in the ThunderDome. Demi is destroying WWE from within.

Jason: How many weeks is this and we still haven’t advanced the story of Spider either? And…is Marina Shafir wearing a picnic blanket to the Underground….oh no…Peyton…why? Man, this Raw has broken me.

Jay: Peyton. Peyton just threw Billie through the barbershop window before our very eyes. This…this is too much.

Also the way that guy looked at Ricochet, Cedric, and Apollo reminds me of how every doorman at every bar has ever looked at me. It also reminded me how nothing good ever happened to me after I got that look. Pray for them Jason for pain and heartbreak is about to befall them.

Jason: Yeah, they’re telegraphing that Cedric Alexand-turn pretty hard right now. It’s certainly a step up for Ced to be on a team that wins matches from time to time, rather than being the least utilized guy in a trio of the most under-utilized guys in the company….or maybe the Hurt Business just straight embarrasses the “super best friends” in short order. I guess we gotta get back to more Demi content. And Mia Yim in Retribution confirmed, I guess.

Jay: I’m telling you, Demi is leading RETRIBUTION. Did you see how they let her go? It’s all a part of her plan. She probably used the same tactics on The Bachelor.

Jason: Really? There were anarchist collectives tossing Molotov cocktails at the production trucks on The Bachelor? I really should watch that show.

Jay: She lost on The Bachelor right? She didn’t get the rose. That’s what RETRIBUTION stands for. Its retribution for her broken heart.

Jason: Story checks out. I could see Dijakovic being a contestant on The Bachelorette who gets cut for being too bland. Back to the measures at hand, I can only see this match ending with Orton RKOing Seth and heading to Night of Champions. Keith is going to look strong by not taking the pin, but no way Randal loses three weeks in a row. Not Legend Killer Redux Randy.

Jay: How do you think Seth feels not wrestling Dominic for the first time in a long while. I’m still sticking with Keith Lee.

Jason: I think you hit the nail on the head. He wasn’t used to fighting someone who knows how to wrestle, it wasn’t a fair fight.

Jay: Ugh. you were right. Well Jason. We survived again. Scale of 1 to 2010 Impact, how would you rate how terrible this episode was?

Jason: Well they broke up the IIconics and cemented it by having Peyton Janetty Billie so hard that the lesser horsewomen are gonna be picking sparkles out of their boots for the next week. That’s a superlative situation that can only be described as a catastrophe. So yeah, this episode was full on “Cheex from TNA” levels of ass.

Jay:  I think I enjoyed Raw more when I couldn’t actually watch it. Maybe something to consider going forward.

Raw broke us. We have nothing funny to say. Talk to us in the comments and on Twitter so we feel better. 

See you next Monday.

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