Aliens vs. Parker #2
Written by Nick Giovannetti, Paul Scheer | Art by Manuel Bracchi
Dave: You were right the first time. It’s an escape pod… for feces. [rimshot].
We’ll be here all night folks!
Jordan: Boooo! Get off the stage Dave!
Sean: I want my money back! You suck, assclown!
Written by Raven Gregory | Art by Francesco DiPaastena
Dave: He’s talking to her breasts. You can thank me later for clearing that up.
Sean: He could be talking about his penis. It’d be funny if it could actually talk, and he whipped out the head, and it started a conversation with her.
…What, it’s a really odd phrase to use for body parts!
Avengers Vol. 5 #9
Written by Jonathan Hickman | Art by Dustin Weaver
Dave: I love how Hickman found it necessary to have a character point out it is NOT worm sex. He knows us so well.
Jordan: Look at all of those chewed up pieces of gum coming together to form an even bigger chewed up piece of gum.
Sean: That’s the grossest shrimp cocktail I’ve ever seen. I’m having this weird feeling of déjà vu…
Russ: “… That’s what we’re gonna call it. I got worms! We’re gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.”
Written by Brian K. Vaughan | Art by Fiona Staples
Dave: When I’m slowly dying I sure hope I don’t have visions of bukkake. Just sayin’.
Jordan: You have that in a comic and people still wonder why I have a hard time taking this series seriously!
Sean: Yeah, um, what’s with the jizz fest again? I mean also, talking animals, but I’m more confused by the random porn. Although maybe he just has a problem. He should see somebody about that.
Porn addiction is no laughing matter. How dare you Saga. For shame.
Dave: Why does it always have to be the cute ones that explode from every limb? War is hell, especially for humanoid rodents.
Sean: If you have to ask, I think you know the answer to that one.
Jordan: Oh my god, he was made of jam!
Written by Joe Casey | Art by Piotr Kowalski
Dave: This is the only thing clean enough to show you from the two page spread. Yeah, it gets much more graphic.
Jordan: What catches my attention more is the text box. How would you have to speak to in order to symbolize that color highlighting?
Sean: God? God loves orgies. Remember the Old Testament? He loves Sodomy!
…Wait. No. Right, the fiery rocks and death.
Dave: If the crusty old man wasn’t enough, he has to go and blow her head off…before anybody orgasms! So rude!
Jordan: Well that’s just a turnoff.
Russ: I thought for sure Dave would have used, “Now that’s what I really call a ‘Moneyshot’ joke, here.” Dammit. My powers of clairvoyance… they wane.
Sean: Now that’s what I call a money…oh damn it, Russ!
Age of Ultron #5
Written by Brian Michael Bendis | Art by Bryan Hitch
Dave: 10 bucks says Fury was holding his breath on this one hoping everyone would agree so he could get his orgy fantasy out of the way.
Sean: “Or not, I’m just, I mean, am I right? That’d be fun, right guys? Guys?”
Uncanny Avengers #6
Written by Rick Remender | Art by Daniel Acuna
Dave: I don’t care if the bear is a maggot pinata, you don’t kill bears man, they be endangered!
Sean: Oh, it’s a bear and a maiden fair.
A beaaaaaar! A beeaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!
Best song ever.
Wolverine Vol. 5 #2
Written by Paul Cornell | Art by Alan Davis
Dave: First rule of living in a city. Do not drink curds for protein health from a homeless vendor…without checking the expiration date. TL;DR: Spoiled curds for protein health gives you the squirts.
Sean: “It’s my s--t. Hope you’re cool with that, Wolvy.”
Thor: God of Thunder #7
Written by Jason Aaron | Art by Esad Ribic
Dave: I’m totally using the line, “for the glory of Asgard” next time I’m in the bedroom. My girlfriend pillow will appreciate it before the lovemaking commences.
Sean: You give it to that pillow woman good, Dave. By the way, I got the wedding invitation in the mail. A summer wedding on the beach! How romantic.
Uncanny X-Men Vol 3. #4
Written by Brian Michael Bendis | Art by Chris Bachalo
Dave: Was there a fire sale on leather bikini bottoms or something? They must of run out of and refused to wear leather capris so just cut the portion off between bikini and leg.
Jordan: Wait, forget that! How the hell does Emma’s outfit work and stay up like that?
Sean: That belt is purely for decoration. She might as well just be wearing the belt, she’s gotta have quite the melvin going on.
Star Wars #4
Written by: Brian Wood | Artist: Carlos D’Anda
Dave: So before he was choking bitches he was flicking a switch on his lightsaber? Weaaaaaak! Also…how is there blood coming from that guys mouth so quickly? The “vsssh” is still going. No way blood trickles out your orifices that fast!
Sean: They cut the panel where he was eating a jelly donut.
Written by Scott Snyder | Art by Greg Capullo
Dave: Reminds me of that long weekend in Cabo. [Shudder]
Jordan: This reminds me more of the movie The Stuff.
Russ: Reminds me of the first time I tried giving my ex-girlfriend oral.
Sean: It reminds me of the first time I tried giving your ex-girlfriend oral too.
Uh, I mean, of the first time I ate octopus.
Like what we do here at AIPT? Consider supporting us and independent comics journalism by becoming a patron today! In addition to our sincere thanks, you can browse AIPT ad-free, gain access to our vibrant Discord community of patrons and staff members, get trade paperbacks sent to your house every month, and a lot more. Click the button below to get started!