Written Brian K. Vaughan | Art by Fiona Staples
Dave: This is not helping atheists any.
Dog: Take a look, all you knobs who want “intelligent design” taught in schools. You let one creation myth in, you gotta take ‘em all.
Jordan: Hey look! A reject from Xanadu!
Sean: You don’t wanna know how she makes black holes.
Army of Darkness: Ash Gets Hitched #2
Written Steve Niles | Art by Nacho Tenorio
Dave: Ugh, the pain must be head splitting. ::rimshot::
Jordan: Hmm… I’m not sure if I like that. It’s kind of giving me a headache sir.
Sean: Ash’s landscaping: cutting deadites down to size since 1981.
Dog: I shudder to think where he’ll stick the stump puller.
Godzilla: Rulers of Earth #15
Written by Chris Mowry | Art by Matt Frank
Dave: All Godzilla ever wanted was to deepthroat a rocket and it didn’t matter if it was a pocket variety either.
Dog: If you’re “FWHAM”ing fire, you could probably use some antibiotics. I guess this isn’t Mechagodzilla’s first time around Monster Island.
John: Godzilla! That’s not how you play fetch!
Jordan: Bah! Godzilla eats metal for breakfast.
Sean: Ahhh, skreent, skreeent, Godzilla!
Manhattan Projects #23
Written by Jonathan Hickman | Art by Nick Pitarra
Dog: If you thought Expendables 3 was bad, be glad they didn’t go with the original script.
Dave: John McCain really should think about doing that plastic surgery.
Jordan: I’m sorry sir, but your condition is just not covered by our insurance or your Medicare!
Sean: It’s like if Stretch Armstrong had a baby with Eugene Levy.
The Mice Templar IV: Legend #13
Written by Bryan JL Glass | Art by Victor Santos
Dave: This wouldn’t have happened if he was wearing his thinking cap!
John: He must have had a really bad sinus infection or there must have been a lot of gold buried up there!
Dog: This is what you get when you let failed artists design ads for ibuprofen.
Flash Gordon #5
Written by Jeff Parker | Art by Sandy Jarrell, Richard Case, Evan Shaner, Jordie Bellaire
Dave: Behold, the largest living turd in the universe!
John: I think Bono has some competition now!
Patrick: Yeah, how many Courics do you think that is?
Jordan: I think the universe had diarrhea at one point.
Dog: Proof of Heaven remains elusive, but at least we’ve located God’s septic tank.
Written by Rick Remender | Art by Greg Tocchini
Dave: Ain’t nobody get in the way of mom time.
Jordan: Don’t stand so close to me.
Dog: I tried to avoid the, “But I just gave you something to eat” joke, but I failed.
Written and Drawn by Riley Rossmo
Dave: The stuff nightmares are made of!
John: Who needs a garden for your shrooms, when you can have a pet snake!
Dog: In the X-rated version of the Labors of Hercules, the hydra grows two penises for every one that’s cut off. On its back.
Jordan: You know, I can’t help but wonder if this is how the creative team of this comic sees the world.
Sean: This is how I see things. What’s so weird about it? Next you’ll tell me you guys don’t have neon archer gummy bears around you at all times.
Written by Robert Kirkman | Art by Paul Azaceta
Jordan: I’m just glad he knows he did something wrong. The first step in understanding you’re a psychopath!
Dog: At least Godzilla swallowed.
Like what we do here at AIPT? Consider supporting us and independent comics journalism by becoming a patron today! In addition to our sincere thanks, you can browse AIPT ad-free, gain access to our vibrant Discord community of patrons and staff members, get trade paperbacks sent to your house every month, and a lot more. Click the button below to get started!