Game of Thrones returns for Season 5 on April 12th. It’s what everyone and their weird aunt who didn’t get pushed through a Moon Door has been dying to watch since… well, the end of Season 4.
So to celebrate we went around the bar and asked our between-job video game patrons: “Who is your favorite Game of Thrones character?” Warning: Spoilers to those who haven’t watched the entirety of Game of Thrones thus far.
She might not be a Channel 69 News reporter but she’s every bit as radical. And babelicious. (Sorry Maypril.) I’m talking ‘bout the one and only… Daenerys Targaryen. Shell yeah, dudes!
Damn, bro. Just look at her. Talk about wanting to “come out of my shell.” Schwing!
Besides, I could totally see me and Dany’s dragons scarfin’ down primo helpings of pizza, brah. Us reptiles gotta stick together.
Haha, like here’s me after feeding Drogon his 10th marshmallow and pepperoni ‘za: Duccio Gettin’ Down With His Bad Self
Brienne of Tarth, you already know that’s my girl. She a big, bad bitch, tho. She so big she make Serena Williams look like Taylor Swift’s little gangly, window display mannequin looking ass. Brienne ain’t like all them other connivin’, fake ass bitches up in Westeros either — how they always be schemin’ somethin’ on the low low; she’s real. True to her word, all chivalrous, keepin’ oaths and s--t.
And you know her sword skills on fleek, too — way she took care of Loras like that in Season 1 to become Renley’s Kingsguard. And dammnnn, you see her go in on The Hound in the season finale of Season 4, tho? She ain’t no joke. Girl got some hands. Pah pah pah! *pantomimes punching combinations*
Like, does anyone ever understand a word this dudette is saying?
Meeky the Magician
A scintilla more than the slack-beaked late ‘80s surfer jargon you spew in perpetuum, reptiloid.
The only thing preventing me from teleporting my ears to the swirling abyss of Feeknallameekhassamamook is a spell that replaces everything you reprobates say with something of video game soundtrack tranquility in my ears. Today it’s the Cruis’n USA theme song.
*leans back, contented smile on his face* Cruis’n Yeayeahhh…
Uh, dude? Your favorite Game of Thrones character? That was the only question being asked of you, bro. None of that other stuff about Feek… mook… that Feek guy.
Meeky the Magician
I mean, I love Brienne and all. Like I said, that’s my girl. But you see that scene where she takes a bath with Jaime Lannister and they show her pasty white ass drippin’ dirty ass bathwater and everythang? Like, girlllll, I know it’s the Middle Ages and everything but, stop it — you need to do some lunges or some Single-Leg Glute Bridges or sumtin’. Fatten that ass right up.
*smacks her own left ass cheek*
Do some squats with Podrick on your shoulders or some s--t. Unh-uh. *snaps her fingers and shakes her head* Like I said, you my girl, Brienne. Get your ass to the King’s Landing Gym, tho. Yo ass don’t look right. Do you. Deuces.
I feel like Cloud Strife
The first time he met Barrett
In Final Fantasy
Tywin Lannister. Stand by.
Yeah, who didn’t see that coming, eh Harley? Gung-ho soldier like yourself admiring Tywin Lannister, patriarch of the infamous House Lannister. The brilliant military tactician and long-standing King of the Hand during the Targaryens’ reign. Hard-ass. Pragmatist. Only one with the balls to tell that little s--t Joffrey off. Orchestrated the infamous Red Wedding and the Sack of King’s Landing.
Might as well ask me who my favorite Street Fighter character is and I’ll say Balrog. Or ask the same question for Killer Instinct and I’ll say T.J. Combo. You know what, I’m going with Tywin Lannister as well. Dude’s a boss. Charles Dance is one of the best actors in the show, too. He just exudes that aura of no-nonsense authority. When he showed up at the end of the Battle of the Blackwater at King’s Landing, I geeked out hard. I won’t lie.
Oh. Uh, yeah. I uh, didn’t really give a damn about any of that, truth be told. I’ve just always wanted to die while dropping a deuce. Fine way to go. Fine way. Like my pappy and his pappy before him. Over and out.
The Hound kills for chicken
He kills for Arya Stark as well
Sandor has my respect
Strongnan say: Strongnan once killed for chicken too. Old man look at chicken funny in bar one night so Strongnan stick bastard sword up old bastard’s ageworn asshole and carried him around bar like wrinkled mansicle.
Strongnan not pay attention, sit on same chicken five minutes later, flatten him into feathery ass-shaped stain on chair. Strongnan pick beak with wattle still attached out of taint in front of whole bar. Everyone laugh. Everyone buy Strongnan much ale. Strongnan learn chicken come from Zelda game. Everyone laugh some more.
Haha! Dad sure would love to hear that one. Bartender, buy Strongnan another tall glass of your finest ale, please!
Ser Loras Tyrell, The Knight of Flowers, Lord Commander of the Rainbow Guard. Whence doth I begin? His visage of exceptional handsomeness? His longeth, flowing brown hair? His armor wrought with jewels? His cape adorned with roses? The way he unhorsed Ser Jaime Lannister during the tourney for Prince Joffrey’s name day? His eyes, which pierceth into a man’s very soul, his very beating heart? Aye, these facets make for a fine hunk of man-meat, indeed. But truth be told, I don’t fancy Ser Loras very much. Too cliched.
Ramsay Bolton is my most enjoyed Game of Thrones character. He’s sadistic, twisted, cruel and full of malice. What a wonderful character.
Khal Drogo. He’s super strong. A great warrior. Doesn’t take any crap from anybody. *smiling from ear to ear* Just like Dad.
Hey! Your father wanted me to tell you he “utterly despises” Khal Drogo and to “Never, ever again in your life compare me to that barbarian rapist/pillager so long as I still draw breath in my Hylian lungs.”
Oh. Uh… Stannis. Stannis the Mannis. Yeah, I meant Stannis Baratheon. Sure he might not have much of a sense of humor but he doesn’t take crap from anyone and isn’t afraid to crack a few eggs to make an omelete. *smiling from ear to ear* Just like Dad.
Your father wanted me to tell you, “You know who else used that ‘crack a few eggs’ line? Stalin. Probably Ganon too. Stannis is an easily hoodwinked malcontent that puts a firecrotch on a pedestal, used demon magicks to kill his own brother and burns people from a religion he believed in only a few months prior at the stake like witches. Stannis can sit on Biggoron’s Sword and rotate for all I care.”
… Well, I’m not allowed to watch Game of Thrones anymore. Dad said it’s a bad influence and has made me go “even softer in the head, and that’s saying a lot.” Goodnight everyone.
Grand Maester Pycelle. He and I could have share a peepin’ tom story or three, I tell ya. None of them little cancelled stamp dames like Arya Stark, neither. A real choice bit of calico, see — like Sansa Stark. Yeah, I’d like to get a few glasses of giggle water down her trachea and then say to her, “Let’s blouse, buttercup.” Wait, how old is that Sansa dame anyways? Her actress legal age yet?
Uh… what does that even matter, guy? Aren’t you like 95 years old? The only actress still considered legal age for you is Betty White. Or the late Shirley Temple, God rest her soul.
Oh, get lost wouldja ya rag-a-muffin looking Mrs. Grundy, you. Ya wet blanket. Can’t ya let an old-timer have a little fun, huh?
A “little fun”? I suggest you leave. Immediately. I haven’t punched an elderly man square in the face since I filled in for Little Mac against Hoy Quarlow in Super Punch Out! and if I can be honest, I’ve been dying for the chance to do it again.
To Hades with the lot of ya! I’m blowin’ this juice joint. I’m goin’ to watch Game of Thrones from the comfort of my own home with my trusty bedpan “Bessy Lou” at my side. Bushwa bluenoses, every last one of yas!
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