Written David Schulner | Art by Juan Jose Ryp
Dave: How do those limbless women stay so fit?
John: Pray to the Airplane and you will be given the gift of quadruple amputeeism!
Dog: “In today’s episode of ‘VH1 Music Video Mash-Up,’ we cross Cher’s ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ with Metallica’s ‘One’! With hilarious results!”
Godzilla: Cataclysm #2
Written Cullen Bunn | Art by Dave Wachter
Dave: The Japanese have even started doing tentacle Godzilla porn. Have they no shame?!
Dog: I didn’t know that kaiju spoke in 19th century, European police sirens.
Written Raven Heisenberg | Art by Gustavo Brocanello
Dave: The origin of the Twix bar.
John: Which side do you choose? Left or Right?
X-Files: Season 10 #16
Written Joe Harris | Art by Colin Lorimer
Dog: “This fetus is using a fake ID!”
Dave: The first day Mortimer saw a girl pee-pee forever stuck with him, even if he was a highly acclaimed doctor at the time.
Clive Barker’s Hellraiser: Bestiary #2
Written by Christopher Taylor, Ben Meares, and Mark Miller | Art by Jason Shawn Alexander, Amancay Nahuelpan, and Carlos Magno
Dave: “Show us a smile. Big smile now!”
John: Who knew there were multiple people living inside my head!
Dog: What’s the fascination with bifurcation this week? Did comics collectively decide it’s time to really test its artists’ grasps on symmetry?
Dave: This is the hardest part of opening a cantaloupe.
Dog: “AAAGH, THIS IS EXCRUCIATING, THIS IS — hey, is that a Craftsman Serrated Skin-Flayer? That’s a fine quality torture implement.”
The Field #4
Written Ed Brisson | Art by Simon Roy
Dave: Why even go into the bathroom when it’s slathered in s--t, blood and vomit? About the same quality as a biohazard dumpster in a Jersey hospital!
Dog: Should have chewed his alphabet pea soup.
Written by Chondra Echert, Claudio Sanchez | Art by Daniel Bayliss
Dave: This is how you make mashed steak tartare.
John: So that’s how the horse died in The Godfather…
p>Dog: I always thought I’d want to go to one of those Eyes Wide Shut orgies, but now ….
Written by Joe Keatinge | Art by Leila Del Duca
Dave: You didn’t even give him a chance to hold it!
John: By clean he means eat. So start chowing down. Free food.
Dog: I remember the speculator murders of the ‘90s. Good luck selling your big score of 500 X-Men #1’s, fuckers!
Jordan: You are going to be there a while to clean up that scene considering how furry you two are.
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