Who is Princess Peach?
For years, Mario has been running to the aid of dear Princess Peach, whom he has been infatuated with since 1985. Although why is a question as he seems to get nothing more than a slice of cake or a kiss on the cheek from his beloved Princess.
Peach is a damsel in distress, or so we’re led to believe. For someone who can’t take care of herself, she certainly has an array of magical powers. In the original story for Super Mario Bros., Bowser kidnaps Peach because she is a powerful sorceress. It isn’t until Super Mario Bros. 2 that Peach reveals her first magic trick: The ability to float for a brief period of time. While the original game was supposed to be Doki Doki Panic!, Peach seems to have inherited those powers as part of character in the Super Mario franchise.
In later Super Mario games, Nintendo explores more of Peach’s powers. In Super Mario RPG, Peach has both healing and destructive spells. One moment she is soothing the enemy to sleep with a sweet song, and the next she is pulling a handful of grenades out from underneath her hammer-space of a dress. In Super Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, Peach has telepathic abilities and projects a hologram of herself to communicate with Mario. In Super Princess Peach, she has a spell that engulfs her in a bubble of hellfire. Not even Mario has that trick! He’s lucky if he can find a fire flower to spit some fireballs at some Goombas.
It isn’t until Super Smash Bros. Melee that we can really get some insight as to how terrifying Peach’s powers really are. Not only does she have the ability to pull Bomb-ombs out of the ground, but she also uses a poor, defenseless Toad has a human shield to absorb an enemy’s blast. Most notably, she uses a move called the ‘”Peach Bomber” which causes the enemy to combust upon contact. Then she cutely spins, plays dumb and says “Ohhh, did I win?” (Super Smash Bros. Melee) It’s no wonder that she is the best potential vessel for a Dark Phoenix-like creature known as the Shadow Queen.
Peach can clearly take care of herself. So why is she constantly getting kidnapped?
In Super Mario Bros. 3, Mario is called to the rescue once again. In the surrounding countries of the Mushroom Kingdom, all of the kings have been turned into animals by Bowser – yet the Mushroom Kingdom remains intact. Mario is forced to adventure through 8 worlds of treacherous terrain to recover the magic wands stolen by the Koopa Kids to turn the Kings back into humans.
Wait. Where the hell did those Koopa children come from?
If we’re going by the theory that Super Mario Bros. 2 was nothing more than a bad trip for Mario, then Super Mario Bros. 3 is the next chapter of the story since the original Super Mario Bros. – which means Peach was sleeping with the enemy and had a magic clown car birth of the humanoid Koopalings. When Mario finally shows up to save Peach at the end, Peach sweetly says “Your Princess is in another castle! …Just kidding! Bye-Bye.” (Super Mario Bros. 3) And then she walks out the door without having a problem.
Cue my NES controller being thrown at my giant box TV, and then picking it up to play again.
The only logical explanation is that Peach is romantically involved with Bowser and the two of them are playing Mario. (See the irony here? The player is being played.) They are manipulating Mario to go through these perilous adventures for their own personal amusement. DANCE, MARIO, DANCE!
Peach worked with Bowser to stage an attack on the surrounding countries to take the Press (a.k.a. Lakitu) off from Bowser and Peach’s secret children, and their love affair. The literal stage in the opening credits of Super Mario Bros. 3 is an implication of this fact. When Mario finally finds Peach, she makes it very clear that she has not been having a problem all along. Then one year later, she is “kidnapped” again.
The only connecting factor with any of Peach’s “kidnappings” is something so simple – cake. When does a person normally eat cake? Birthdays. This implies that every time Peach is “kidnapped” it is on her birthday. This is Peach’s clever way to spend time with her lover and her children without the press having the slightest clue to their secret relationship.
Bowser Jr. was the first of the Koopa children to identify Peach as his mother – or at the very least, the mother figure in his life. He refers to her as “Mama Peach” in Super Mario Sunshine. Bowser eventually mutters to his son that Peach is not his mother. Bowser Jr. admits that he “knows” that, but neither sound convinced with themselves. It must be tough to live a life under the radar of the Lakitu paparazzi.
The people of the Mushroom Kingdom would never dare question their ruler or the continued attacks on their country. They can’t even protect themselves. They don’t even seem to notice. If anything, they are mindless slaves who would go as far as sacrificing themselves to protect their dictator, Princess Peach – and nobody even questions the fact that Princess Peach isn’t a mushroom person. We know that Peach has telepathic and hypnotic abilities, so the Mushroom people are likely under another one of Peach’s spells.
We don’t know anything about Princess Peach. We don’t know about her parents and we certainly don’t know how she came into ruling the Mushroom Kingdom. Was the crown passed down to her? Or did she murder the original king, steal the crown, and then threaten to put all of the Toads into bricks and question mark boxes if they defied her dictatorship?
One of the most incriminating moments of Peach’s career is when Mario finds a note in her castle bedroom. It reads, “Bowser stole the castle’s power stars and disappeared into the walls with us!” That is followed by, “There is a secret path in this room, and it leads to a secret star!” (Super Mario 64). So, Peach, you were sealing secrets into the castle before Bowser even got there.
Finally, Princess Peach and Bowser decide to seal the deal and get married in Super Mario Odyssey. Mario decides he wants to confess his love for Peach, puts on a tux, and crashes their wedding. At that point Peach just leaves them both at the alter. What else can she do? Get married to Bowser while Mario and the Lakitu press are watching?
The Mushroom Kingdom is a trap disguised by bright colors and cute creatures. Peach only continues to play dumb to hide that she is an evil sorceress who works alongside with the main antagonist of the Super Mario series.
So: Why Mario? Where does he and his brother fit into Peach’s grand scheme? He’s not from any of the worlds associated with the Mushroom Kingdom. Did he fall through a magic pipe in Brooklyn? The official anime from the ’80s, Super Mario Bros.: Peach-hime Kyushutsu Dai Sakusen!, suggests that Peach uses her magic to come out of the TV screen to teleport Mario into the game – a concept that somehow manages to make more sense than the actual story line of the video games.
Despite where Mario may come from, he is mindlessly infatuated with Peach. He is there to save the Princess. Why? Mind control. If it looks like she is constantly in peril by Bowser, why would the Press suspect a thing?
Meanwhile, Bowser and Peach sit back, relax, and click their glasses full of wine as they laugh heartily and watch Mario dangerously avoid enemies while balancing on tiny platforms. They are all nothing more than a game to Peach and Bowser, which is exactly what we are playing.
This isn’t Super Mario’s game, it is Princess Peach’s – and we’re playing right into her terrifying trap.